Saturday, December 30, 2006

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha




Jokes Part 9

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way... One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered. "How?" asked the second worker. Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down. Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing. "I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant. "I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?" "Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left. The second worker was hot on his heels. "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked. "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

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An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "Keep tightly closed."

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After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse.One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold."About $4,500," said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job security!"

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Ayam

Ceritanya berkisar di sebuah ladang penternakan ayam yang terletak di Gunung Semanggul. Disana ada 5 ayam betina dan seekor ayam jalak (kira ayam jantan macholah) yang umurnya sudah lanjut dimamah masa (cewah-cewah macam dalam novel percintaan lak).

Karena merasa bahwa ayam jalak yang sudah tua tadi sudah melewati masa suburnya, si pemilik ladang tersebut memutuskan untuk membeli seekor ayam jalak lagi yang masih muda, tampan, segak, macho dan yang sewaktu dengannya. Dengan secara tidak sengaja hal ini membuatkan si ayam jalak tua menjadi merasa tersaing. Lalu bibit2 cemburu dan hasat dengki menguasai dirinya, mulalah dia mengatur strategi. Lalu terjadi percakapan seperti ini :

Si ayam jalak tua : Eh, kamu jangan serakah sgt kat sini. Ayam betinanya kan ada 25. Kamu boleh ambil yang 15, bakinya bagi aku.

Si ayam jalak muda: Banyak hensem ko punya muka, tua tak sedarkan diri. Hang tu dah tua dah tak larat dah so semua untuk aku sahaja.

Si ayam jalak tua : Eh a...berlagak tul mamat seekor ni (jalak tua bercakap dalam hati jer). Seper kata aku tua tak larat lagi, ko jgn pandang rendah pada aku, kang aku sekeh kang... O.klah, aku maleh nak gaduh ngan budak hingusan cam ko ni (jalak tua, menunjukkan eksennyer) so apa kata kalau kita pertontonkan kemanchoan kita ngan mengadakan satu pertandingan. Siapa yang menang boleh ambil semua ayam betina yang ada kat sini ayam ini. Yang kalah kirim salam.

Si ayam jalak muda: Aku.. aku boleh sahaja, pantang dicabar ni. Kita nak buat pertandingan apa ni... cabut bulu ayam ker (jalak muda membuat lawak loya beruk yer)

Si ayam jalak tua : Dak'ah! Senang jer pertandingan lumba lari. Sambil tersenyum kambing.

Si ayam jalak muda:Set

Si ayam jalak tua : Lumbanya 400M. tapi karena aku sudah tua, aku minta untuk lari dulu di depanmu 50 meter.

Si ayam jalak muda: Boleh (dengan penuh keyakinan).

Maka pertandingan pun dimulai. Ayam jalak tua lari dulu 50 meter baru ayam jalak yang muda lari menyusul dengan kecepatan kuasa extra gaban yang mengkagumkan.

Eh, baru kurang 1 meter menyusul, si ayam jalak muda ditembak langsung oleh pemilik peternakan. Kenapa?????

Kata Pemilik : "Kurang ajar. INI AYAM JALAK-HOMOSEKS NI. Asal setiap kali aku beli dapat yang macam ni SUKA SANGAT KEJAR-KEJAR AYAM JALAK TUA AKU"

NILAI MORAL : Jgn berlagak ngan org tua (depa banyak trick nyer,) HORMATILAH ORANG YANG LEBIH TUA DARI KITA... 

Coket Mok Bolot

kito nikoh lepah ghayo!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

A Joke for Golfers

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course "

I'm in Stage One


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Short Story

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:

The short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

Dikir Frog (Crazy Frog)

Monday, December 25, 2006

Numbers in English

Even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 goodness he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1?

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Kaki

Suatu hari di Fakulti Sains sebuah Universiti Tempatan..sedang berlangsung ujian berkaitan serangga.. Ujian kali ini sungguh susah... Mahasiswa mesti mampu menentukan jenis dan nama serangga dari potongan-potongan kaki yang diberikan oleh Pensyarah...

Dua jam sudah berlalu. Tidak ada seorangpun pun yang boleh menjawab soalan ujian.. Seorang mahasiswa yang amat kecewa.. memutuskan untuk keluar Dewan Ujian... dia menghempas daun pintu dengan kuat... "Dummmm!!!!"

Melihat keadaan itu... pensyarah di dalam dewan marah dengan berkata.. "Hey! suka hati mak bapak hang je hempas pintu tu ye?! Siapa nama kau !!!" Mahasiswa yang sudah terlanjur berada di luar segera menjulurkan kakinya ke pintu sambil berkata...

"Nie kaki saya... encik... Cuba encik teka.. siapa nama saya?"

Friday, December 22, 2006

Katak (Crazy Frog)

another creative song by a kelantanese

Jokes Part 8

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

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TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America .
PAPPU : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : PAPPU!

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TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

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TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...
TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

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TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, But also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish Him?"
PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

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PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt ?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-

TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-

TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !

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TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Karaoke Otromen Kelate

Jom nyanyi ramai2 weh!

Akad Nikah di Siam

Lama tak gelak keluar air mata! Thanks to Wan Azman for the video.

Australian Girl

A girl went to Australia for her Master degree on August, 2003. Her parent, among others, sent her at the KLIA airport. She asked her dad,"Dad, I'm not sure if I'll be back for Raya this December (she didn't). But if I do,what would u like me to bring for you?" Her dad answered,"Why, an Australian girl, of course!". Others just laugh while her mum smilingly pinched her husband on his cheek. The daughter just smiles as she waves goodbye.

A week later, she phoned her dad, and have a bubbly conversation with him. He then asked,"so have you look for my present?" "What present?" she asked back. "The one I asked for-the Australian girl!", her dad answered, laughingly.

The daughter said,"Oh,that-Well, I did what I could. It definitely is an Australian. But we have to wait for a few months to see if it's a girl or not!" It tooks her an hour later to convince him not to take the next day's flight to Sydney, and that she was just joking with him.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 6

Suatu petang di sebuah 'supermarket' .... Seorang lelaki muda tengah berjalan di bahagian barang-barang dapur apabila dia terperasan seorang perempuan tua yang tengah memandangnya dengan mata yang tak berkelip-kelip. Lelaki muda itu pun terasa pelik.. dia terus berjalan ke bahagian buah-buahan tapi dari ekor matanya dia perasan lagi yang perempuan tua tu masih juga memandang dan mengekorinya. Last-last lelaki tu pun buat dek jer,sebab dia ingat dia yang perasan. Lepas mengambil dua tin sardin dan lima biji epal, lelaki muda tu pun berjalan menuju ke kaunter untuk membayar barang-barangnya tetapi di pertengahan jalan perempuan tua tadi tuh cepat-cepat memintas dan berdiri di depannya. "maafkan makcik nak!!" kata perempuan itu. "Makcik minta maaf bebanyak kiranya anak tak selesa dengan pandangan makcik tadi. Makcik bukannya apa, cuma wajah anak ni serupa macam arwah anak makcik yang
meninggal bulan lepas" Mendengarkan kata-kata perempuan tua itu barulah dia faham kenapa perempuan itu asyik aje
memandangnya.

Oh, begitu ke ceritanya makcik? maaflah saya tak tahu. Ada apa-apa yang boleh saya bantu?" tanya lelaki muda itu. "Aaaa.... mak cik ada satu permintaan kecil kalau anak tak keberatan" kata perempuan itu. "... bila makcik dah nak jalan keluar boleh tak anak lambai dan cakap 'babai... mak!!'? Terubat betul rindu makcik jika anak dapat tolong sebab arwah anak makcik selalu buat macam tuh pada makcik".

Oh boleh... takde masalah" kata lelaki muda tu. Setelah cashier memasukkkan semua barang-barangnya ke dalam plastik, perempuan tua itu pun berjalan keluar dan melambai tangannya ke arah lelaki muda itu. Lelaki muda itu pun melambaikan tangannya kembali dan melaung "Babai,mak!! !!". Setelah memerhatikan perempuan tua itu hilang dari pandangan dengan hati yang kesian, lelaki itu pun bergerak ke cashier untuk membayar barang-barangnya. "Jumlah
semuanya RM130.70 ye encik," kata cashier supermarket tuh. Terkejut lelaki tu mendengar kata-kata cashier tuh."Eh, kenapa mahal sangat ni cik, saya beli barang sikit jer macamana pulak sampai seratus lebih ni?" tanya lelaki itu. "Habis tuh mak awak kata awak nak bayarkan untuk dia sekali!" kata cashier tuh.

Haah????? ??!!!!".. ..

Monday, December 18, 2006

Facts about Software Guys

Project Manager:- is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer:- Is a Person who thinks a single women cannot deliver a baby in nine months.

Onsite Coordinator:- Is one who thinks single women can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client:- Is one who knows that it takes a man, a women & nine months to deliver a baby. But expects otherwise.

Marketing Manager:- Is a Person who thinks I can deliver a child whether a man and women is available or not.

Resource optimization team:- Thinks I don’t want man or women. I’ll still produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation team:- Will think I don’t care how a child is delivered. I’ll just document 9 months.

QA Auditor:- This is the only person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce baby.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Master of ....

Master of Accountancy - Nanyang Technological University - 2002 - with President of Singapore, S. R. Nathan
Master of Research in Accounting & Financial Management - Lancaster University - 2006 - with Lancaster University Pro-Chancellor, B. M. Gray
Next one is definitely a Master of Jedi from Star Wars University
Had my first meeting with two of my PhD supervisors today, right after the degree ceremony. The hard work starts now....erkkk

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Another joke from an e-mail

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.


In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 7

Seorang mamat yg memang gemuk masuk ke sebuah fitness center dgn niat utk menguruskan badan. Seorang lelaki di kaunter bertanya kepada mamat tadi, "Kami menawarkan 2 program di sini... RM50 utk versi 'Biasa' dan RM100 utk versi 'Cepat'... "Saya ingat nak ambil yg biasa punya sebab saya baru je nak try kuruskan badan", kata mamat tadi. "OK. Encik sila masuk ke bilik NO.5 di penjuru bilik sana", jawap lelaki penjaga kaunter.

Mamat tadi pun masuk laa ke bilik yg disuruh lalu menutup pintunya. Selang 2 minit kemudian, datang laa seorang perempuan yg mmg lawa, cantik, body best, mantap dan segalanya. Dia kemudian menanggalkan kesemua pakaian sehinggakan mamat tadi dah x senang duduk dan berpeluh2. Perempuan tadi berkata dgn manja dan menggoda, "Kalau tuan dapat kejar saya, tuan bole buat aaaaapa saja dgn saya... hik hik hik" dan dia terus berlari di dalam bilik itu. Mamat tadi pun kejar punya kejar, sampai 10 minit, pun x dapat2 jugak. Dia try lagi sampai akhirnya, dia jatuh terjelepuk ke lantai... pengsan. Apabila dia sedar, dia terus ke penimbang dan mendapati beran badannya telah turun 3kg. "Wow! Mmg berbaloi aku bayar RM50... mmg senang rupanya nak kuruskan badan", katanya sendirian.

Esoknya, dia datang lagi ke situ dan terus ditegur oleh lelaki di kaunter. Setelah diberitahu program2 seperti semalam jugak, dia bersetuju untuk try versi 'Cepat'. "OK. Encik sila masuk ke bilik NO.6 di penjuru bilik sana", jawap lelaki penjaga kaunter. Setelah beberapa minit di dalam bilik itu, datanglah seorang body-builder yang tough dan terus melondehkan pakaiannya. Body-builder itu berkata, "Saya akan kejar kamu dlm bilik ini dan kalau saya dapat.... hehehe

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Mamat kesian betul tengok Boboy. Tension dari pagi sampai malam. Mamat pun tanyalah kawan baiknya itu.
Mamat : Apahal kau ni, tension je aku tengok?
Boboy : Hubungan aku dengan Ira dah putus.
Mamat : Putus? Kenapa?
Boboy : Materialistik sangatlah dia tu.
Mamat : Ler.. Apa susah.. ko ceritalah yang kau ni anak Tan Sri, Banglo 4 tingkat, BMW 3 buah. Boboy : Aku dah bagi tau tu.. Tapi lepas tu, dia jatuh cinta kat bapak aku pulak!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Winner vs Loser

The winner is always a part of the answer. The loser is always a part of the problem.

The winner always has a program. The loser always has an excuse.

The winner says, "Let me do it for you." The loser says, That's not my job."

The winner sees an answer for problems. The loser sees a problem in every answer.

The winner sees a green near every sand trap. The loser sees two or three sand traps near every green.

The winner says, "It may be difficult but it's possible." The loser says, 'It may be possible, but it's too difficult."


*received it in my e-mail today*

Saturday, December 02, 2006

ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Save the whales... Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

*received in my e-mail today*

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Jokes Part 7

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why she asks such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "A Coconut."
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum."
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Who am I??
Harry: "A Tent."
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." What am I??
(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "A Wedding Ring."
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." What am I??
Harry: "A Nose."
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." What am I??
Harry: "An Arrow."
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his butt in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

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The Difference Between Focusing on Problems, and Focusing on Solutions:
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity. (Ink won't flow down to the writing surface) In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars.They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians used a pencil...

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Video Blog

I could not imagine myself doing a video blog to express myself, salute to those who had a courage to do so. And this is my favorite video blog site so far, http://ummahfilms.blogspot.com Just go to the June-August postings and watch his Video Blog Part 1-10. Deep meaning but entertaining. Enjoy!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 6

3 ekor vampire (langsuyar) tinggal di belantara jauh dari kampung manusia. Terasa sangat lapar hendak hisap darah. Vampire pertama pun berkata..."aku boleh terbang laju dan hisap darah manusia sekejap aje". Dia terus terbang pergi dan sejam kemudian dia pulang dengan mulut berlumuran darah. Vampire kedua pulak menyahut cabaran dan terus terbang. 30 minit kemudian dia pulak pulang dengan mulut dan bajunya berlumuran darah..muka kelihatan puas kenyang! Vampire ketiga tak mahu kalah, pun berkata "...ek eleh, aku boleh buat lebih baik lagi.....aku boleh!". Dia terus terbang pergi.Terperanjat kekawannya bila Vampire-3 pulang kurang dari seminit dengan mulut dan bajunya berlumuran darah! Vampire satu dan dua pun memuji..."woow lajunya kau terbang dan hisap darah". Vampire-3 menggaru kepala sambil menjawab ".....aku terbang terlanggar pokok tadi...."

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Salah sebuah katil di dalam bilik ICU sebuah hospital ternama kerap mengalami kejadian pelik.. Setiap pesakit yang ditempatkan disitu pasti akan meninggal pada setiap hari Jumaat pagi tanpa mengira umur, jantina atau tahap kesihatan mereka Perkara ini sangat membingungkan para doktor... Lalu para doktor memutuskan untuk memantau katil tersebut... Apabila tiba hari Jumaat yang berikutnya...beberapa doktor bersiap sedia untuk mengenalpasti penyebab kepada kematian di katil tersebut yang mana pada ketika seorang pesakit lelaki muda sedang tidur... Beberapa doktor memegang Yassin dan Quran sebagai persiapan menghalau makhluk halus.. Masa berputar... pukul 08:00am..08:30am sehingga jam 9.00 am... tiba-tiba...... Pintu bilik ICU itu terbuka....Kemudian masuklah Makcik Bedah.... Seorang pekerja sambilan sebagai pencuci yang hanya bertugas setiap hari jumaat.. Masuk... mendekati katil keramat tersebut... dan terus mencabut.... soket elektrik untuk alat pernafasan bantuan agar dapat menghidupkan.. vacuum cleanernya...

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Terdidik kerana sebiji tembikai

Pada suatu hari, seorang ahli sufi yang masyhur bernama Syaqiq Al-Balkhir telah membeli sebiji tembikai. Kemudian dia membawa tembikai itu pulang dan diberikan kepada isterinya. Apabila isterinya membelah tembikai itu untuk dimakan, ternyata buah tembikai itu tidak elok, maka marah-marahlah isteri Syaqiq dengan keadaan tersebut.

Maka bertanyalah Syaqiq kepada isterinya: "Kepada siapa engkau tujukan marahmu itu, adakah kepada penjual, pembeli, penanam atau Pencipta buah tembikai itu?." Terdiam isterinya mendengar pertanyaan tersebut.

Kemudian Syaqiq teruskan lagi kata-katanya:"Adapun si penjual, sudah tentu mahu jualannya terdiri daripada barangan yang terbaik. Adapun si pembeli juga sudah tentu mahu membeli barang yang terbaik juga. Bahkan si penanam juga sudah tentu berharap hasil tanamannya yang terbaik juga. Maka ternyatalah marahmu ini engkau tujukan kepada Pencipta buah tembikai ini. Maka bertaqwalah engkau kepada Allah dan redhalah dengan segala ketentuan-Nya."

Maka menangislah isteri Syaqiq. Lalu bertaubat dan iapun redhalah dengan apa yang telah ditentukan oleh Allah SWT.

*petikan daripada tranungkite.net*

Monday, November 13, 2006

Sikat sampai mampus!

Today I participated in the Lancaster University Inter-College Badminton tournament. There are 7 of us representing Graduate College, myself, Ken Lee (from Malaysia too), Devin (from China), Siva (from Sri Lanka), Rana (a girl from North Cyprus), Eddie (a girl from Hong Kong) and Jenny (from China I think). All of us are postgraduate students, competing against the younger undergraduate students. The format is one men double, one ladies double and one mixed double.

We won all three group matches against Bowland College (3-0), Pendle College (2-1) and County College (3-0). I partnered with Ken for men double and we won comfortably against Bowland (15:1, 15:5) and Pendle (15:4, 15:9). There were two university players playing for County and we won in a rubber set (15:4, 8:15, 15:9). In the semi final we won easily against Fylde college (2-0) and Ken and I also won easily (15:8, 15:4).

At that time I already played 9 sets throughout the morning. Last year winner, Lonsdale College only need to play twice in their group matches and now we are facing them again in the final (we were a runners-up last year). They have the strongest men double and university ladies captain also playing for them. First set Ken and I won easily at 15:5 but we were quickly overwhelmed in the second set when we lost 2:15. At that time they are changing their tactic by keeping pressure on us through lots of smashing shots. I noticed that our ladies already finished their game but I didn't know their result. In the third set we were leading 14:8 when something strange is happening, we just couldn't finish the game. And they took the opportunity to gather point by point until they manage to draw level and then leading at 16:14! We try everything we could but eventually they managed to seal the game at 17:14. What a match, albeit a strange one.

Maulana (another postgrad from Indonesia) is supposed to play with us but he broke his leg last Friday. I messaged his mobile phone after the game informing the results. He messaged back "..kalau begitu kita sikat mereka taun depan! sampai mampusss!!!" sounds funny, turned out that what he meant is to 'knock them out'. Otherwise might as well bring a hair stylist with us so that we can comb their hair to their death!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 5

Ada seorang pesakit jiwa yang telah menerima rawatan bertahun-tahun dan mula menunjukan perubahan yang menggalakkan. Doktor pun yakin dia boleh dibenarkan pulang dan tak perlu tinggal di rumah sakit jiwa lagi. Tetapi seperti biasa pesakit perlu menjalani ujian terakhir. Di dalam bilik temuduga.
Doktor " Adakah anda berasa sihat?"
Pesakit " Ya doktor. Terima kasih kerana bertanya"
Doktor " Saya ada lampu suluh di tangan saya, kalau saya suluh cahaya ke atas siling, boleh tak awak panjat sampai ke atas dengan memegang cahaya yang tegak?"
Pesakit "Tak boleh doktor"
Doktor "Bagus awak lulus, memang awak dah sihat.........tapi kenapa tak boleh?"
Pesakit, dengan nada marah "Doktor ni Gila ke?!! Kalau saya panjat kemudian separuh jalan doktor padam lampu, jatuh lah saya!"

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Salman (bukan nama betul) pulang dari kerja satu petang dan terdengar suara isterinya dalam bilik mengerang. Dia berlari naik ke bilik dan melihat isterinya terlantar di katil berpeluh tanpa pakaian. "Kenapa ni sayang?" tanya Salman. "I diserang sakit jantung", jawab isterinya. Salman berlari ke bawah untuk menalipon doktor tapi belum sempat dia talipon, anaknya yang berumur 5 tahun berlari datang dan berkata, "Papa, acik Lan ada bawah katil ayah tak pakai suar." Salman mula naik angin dan naik semula ke biliknya. Memang betul Roslan(pun bukan nama betul) jiran mereka ada di bawah katil tanpa pakaian.Salman menarik Roslan keluar dan berkata, "Lahanat kau Lan, isteri aku kena sakit jantung. Kau pula cuba menakutkan anak aku ye?"

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Seorang lelaki menalipon hospital untuk memberitahu yang isterinya nak bersalin. Dan jururawat hospital menjawab talipon lelaki tersebut. Lelaki: "Hello... tolong saya sebab isteri saya nak bersalin!" Jururawat: "Sila bertenang... ini anaknya yang pertama ke?" Lelaki: "Apa la punya bangang... ni laki dia la!" Jururawat: "Erkkk..."

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Seorang wanita muda telah ter'bersalin' di dalam sebuah lif. Dier pun malu macam nak giler dan tak mahu kuar dari lif itu. Pihak pengurusan bangunan pun memanggil polis, bomba dan psychologist untuk pujuk dier keluar. Psychologist tu pun cakap ler, "Cik... keluar lah... aper nak dimalukan... perkara biase jer nih." Wanita muda yang terbersalin itu pun menjawab, "Tak mau, tak mau, saya malu." Psychologist itu menambah, "Alah cik...tahun lepas saya ader 1 kes lagi teruk... pompuan tu beranak dalam longkang!!" Mendengarkan kata-kata Psychologist tu jer, wanita muda tu terus meraung bagai nak giler lalu berkata, "Yang tu pun saya gak, uhwaaa..!!!"

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Jokes Part 6

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing program on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip. Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him with disgust. " You just don't understand, Fred. The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

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A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effort to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,"p e n i s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH **

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Fadhilat Ramadhan Bahagian 2

Abu Hurairah ra. meriwayatkan bahawa Rasulullah SAW bersabda: "Umatku telah dikurniakan dengan lima perkara yang istimewa yang belum pernah diberikan kepada sesiapa pun sebelum mereka. Bau mulut daripada seorang Islam yang berpuasa adalah terlebih harum di sisi Allah daripada bau haruman kasturi. Ikan-ikan di lautan memohon istighfar (keampunan) ke atas mereka sehinggalah mereka berbuka puasa".

Allah mempersiapkan serta menghiasi jannah yang khas setiap hari dan kemudian berfirman kepadanya: "Masanya telah hampir tiba bilamana hamba-hambaKu yang taat akan meninggalkan segala halangan-halangan yang besar (di dunia) dan akan mendatangimu."

Pada bulan ini syaitan-syaitan yang durjana dirantaikan supaya tidak menggoda mereka ke arah maksiat-maksiat yang biasa mereka lakukan pada bulan-bulan selain Ramadhan. Pada malam terakhir Ramadhan (orang-orang yang berpuasa ini) akan diampunkan." Maka sahabat-sahabat Rasulullah SAW pun bertanya: "Wahai Pesuruh Allah, adakah itu malam lailatul Qadar?" Dijawab oleh Rasulullah SAW: "Tidak, tetapi selayaknya seorang yang beramal itu diberi balasan setelah menyempurnakan tugasnya."

Monday, September 25, 2006

Fadhilat Ramadhan

Abu Huraira related that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: Whoever fasts during Ramadan with faith and seeking his reward from Allah will have his past sins forgiven. Whoever prays during the nights in Ramadan with faith and seeking his reward from Allah will have his past sins forgiven. And he who passes Lailat al-Qadr in prayer with faith and seeking his reward from Allah will have his past sins forgiven (Bukhari, Muslim).

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

Saya ingin mengucapkan Selamat Berpuasa dan Beribadah di bulan Ramadhan Al-Mubarak kepada semua umat Islam. Semoga segala ibadah kita diterima Allah Taala dan sentiasa mendapat lindungan rahmat dan keredhaanNya.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 5

Satu pagi di stesen keretapi... Ada satu makcik tu dia tanya Attenden kaunter.

Makcik : Anak, keretapi sampai jam berapa??

Attenden kaunter : yang dari Alor Setar sampai jam 2 petang yang dari Kota Bharu sampai jam 1 petang yang dari Kuala Lumpur sampai jam 4 petang yang dari Gemas pulak satu jam lagi sampai la...Makcik nak pergi mana??

Makcik :Tak ke mana. Makcik nak melintas aja. Terima kasih lah anak, ni maknanya takdelah keretapi lalu sekarang kan...? Terima kasih banyak-banyak.... Makcik tumpang lalu ye...

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Alkisah diceritakan dalam hikayat satu hari satu malam maka tersebutlah kisah seorang pencari kayu. Adapun si pencari kayu ini terkenal dengan sifat jujurnya lagi ikhlas. Beliau tinggal dipinggir hutan bersama isteri tersayang, hidup bahagia walaupun tiada cahayamata. Suatu hari, ketika pencari kayu sedang menebang sebatang pokok di tepi sungai dengan tak semena-mena terlepaslah kapak besinya ke dalam sungai. Si pencari kayu berasa sedih kerana satu-satunya kapak yang merupakan hartanya telah hilang dalam sungai yang dalam itu.

Tiba-tiba muncul menjelma seorang pari-pari dan bertanya pada si pencari kayu,"Mengapa bermuram durja wahai tuan hamba?". Si pencari kayu pun memberitahu keadaan hal yang berlaku. Pari-pari tadi turun ke dalam sungai dan muncul dengan membawa kehadapan pencari kayu sebilah kapak emas. "Adakah ini kapak milik tuan hamba?", tanya pari-pari. "Bukan...",jawab si pencari kayu ringkas. Pari-pari turun semula ke dalam sungai dan kembali dengan membawa kapak dari perak. "Yang ini tuan hamba punya?",tanya pari-pari lagi. "Bukan yang ini",jawab si pencari kayu. Sekali lagi pari-pari turun ke dalam sungai kali ini membawa kapak dari gangsa. "Err.. mungkin yang ini?, duga pari-pari. "Pacal yang hina ini tidak mempunyai kapak yang bernilai ini",jawab si pencari kayu jujur.

Akhirnya pari-pari turun ke dalam sungai dan naik memegang kapak besi milik si pencari kayu. "Ya, inilah kapak hamba yang terjatuh ke dalam sungai tadi". Gembira dengan sifat kejujuran si pencari kayu, maka pari-pari memberi kesemua ke empat-empat kapak kepada si pencari kayu. Si pencari kayu pulang ke rumah begitu gembira sekali.

Selang beberapa tahun, si pencari kayu dan isteri berjalan di tepi sungai menuju ke pekan. Si isteri tersadung kaki pada batu lalu terjatuh ke dalam sungai tidak timbul-timbul. Maka meratap menangis si pencari kayu atas kehilangan isteri tercinta. Pari-pari muncul lagi lalu bertanya akan hal keadaan yang menimpa si pencari kayu. Dengan nada sedih beliau berkata, "Isteri hamba jatuh ke dalam sungai tidak timbul-timbul...". Dengan segera pari-pari turun ke dalam sungai kembali bersama-samanya Siti Nurhaliza. "Ini isteri tuan hamba?," tanya pari-pari menduga.

"Yes.. yes", jawab si pencari kayu. Pari-pari begitu marah", Penipu, pembohonggg...., nah terima baaa...", belum sempat pari-pari habis menyumpah, si pencari kayu berkata, "Maafkan hamba! Bukan niat hamba berbuat demikian. Ini hanya salah faham". "Jikalau hamba berkata 'TIDAK', tentu tuan hamba akan muncul dengan Maya Karin dan selepas itu Nasha Aziz. Akhirnya jikalau tuan hamba muncul bersama isteri hamba dan hamba kata 'YA" tentu tuan hamba akan memberi ke empat-empat mereka kepada hamba sedangkan hamba cuma seorang pencari kayu yang miskin... mana larat nak maintain semua tu... boleh tercabut kepala lutut.. .Sebab itulah hamba kata 'YA'!!!"..... terang si pencari kayu ikhlas.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Jokes Part 5

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby. "She turns to her husband and says....."Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself. "He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice........"well.....there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

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4 engineers were travelling in a car. Suddenly the car engine stopped in the middle of nowhere. The first guy, a chemical engineer, wanted to check the engine oil to see if that is the root cause of the problem. The 2nd guy, a electrical engineer, suggested to check the fuses and wiring to see if that is the actual root cause of the problem. The 3rd guy, a mechanical engineer, suggested to check the overhead cam to see if that is the root cause of the problem. The 4th guy, a Microsoft software engineer , did not know what to do so he said....." may be if we close all windows and then reopen them, things will run again"

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A store that sells husbands has just opened in Bkt Bintang where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor No. 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 4

Suatu malam seorang isteri meminta wang belanja tambahan dari suaminya seorang yang kedekut. Lalu suaminya mengeluarkan wang RM5000 dari poketnya lalu berjalan ke arah cermin. "Awak tengok wang yang di dalam cermin itu ?" sambil menunjuk kedalam cermin... "Awak ambil yang itu.. dan yang diluar cermin ini.. adalah wang saya!"

Malam berikutnya si suami terkejut ketika baru balik dari pejabat dan melihat ada satay kambing serta rendang di meja makan. Lalu ia bertanya kepada isterinya, "Mana awak dapat wang untuk beli semua ni?" Isterinya tidak menjawab... dan terus menarik tangan suaminya masuk kebilik. Di dalam bilik.. suaminya mengulangi pertanyaannya.. lalu si isteri pun menanggalkan semua pakaiannya dan berjalan ke depan cermin.. "Awak lihat tubuh yang di dalam cermin itu ?" sambil menunjuk kedalam cermin... "Itu adalah kepunyaanmu... dan yang diluar cermin ini pula adalah kepunyaan penjual satay ini !"

Morale of the story: (1) Jangan kedekut ngan bini, nanti Tuhan pendekkan rezeki. (2) Jangan kedekut ngan bini, nanti penjual satay dapat rezeki. (3) Bila kedekut ngan bini, rezeki depan mata, tapi terpaksa telan air liur jer!!

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Ada dua orang sahabat, mereka ni sangat akrab. Sorang bernama Hanif dan yang sorang tu bernama Tony. Mereka ni penghuni setia rumah tumpangan orang-orang gila. Pada suatu hari mereka dibenarkan bermain di kolam renang yang terdapat di rumah tumpangan itu. Tapi mereka berdua ni tak pandai berenang. Si Hanif berehat-rehat di bawah khemah manakala Si Tony tak habis-habis lari keliling kolam renang tu.

Tiba-tiba mungkin kerana keghairahan Si Tony ni terus melompat kedalam kolam....apalagi terkapai-kapailah dia meminta tolong. Sahabat yang setia, Si Hanif ni dengan pantas cuba menyelamatkan Si Tony. Fuh, nasib baik tak lemas. Memandangkan Si Tony tu dah basah kuyup dan kesejukan, Si Hanif dengan pantas membalut kawannye tu dengan sehelai tuala lalu cepat-cepat membawanya ke dalam bilik mereka.

Keesokan harinya Si Hanif telah dikerahkan menemui orang atasan. Kira pegawai ler tu. Apabila melihat wajah Si Hanif beliau mula berkata," Saya ada dua berita yang perlu saya beritahu awak. Yang pertama ialah berita baik, awak akan dibebaskan kerana awak telah dapat membezakan antara kecemasan atau tidak. Tindakan awak menyelamatkan Si Tony bermakna awak kini mempunyai pemikiran yang waras. Namun saya juga ada berita buruk untuk awak, teman baik awak telah membunuh diri. Pagi tadi saya diberitahu yang dia dijumpai didalam biliknya dengan lehernya tergantung.

Dengan muka selamba Si Hanif pun menjawab, Tidak tuan dia bukan membunuh diri tapi saya yang gantung dia supaya dia cepat kering".

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Jokes Part 4

A young Indian guy moved to Montreal and went to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home". Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. you get the idea?" "Of course," the young man said.

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today? The kid replied, "One" The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The manager exclaims, "What? $ 101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!" The kid, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of 'Kotex' for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up,you might as well go fishing."

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You'd just calmly accept this, restart your car, and then drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to be shut down and refuse to restart. Then, you'd have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

6. Apple Computer would make a car that was solar powered, more reliable, five times faster and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before activating.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they'd neither want nor need them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as before.

13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off your engine.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 4

Dahulu kala.. dalam kerajaan Phuket.. ada seorang raja yang mempunyai anak puteri.. Kedua anak ini mempunyai permintaan yang perlu dipenuhi. Anak pertama meminta dicarikan kuda yang mampu berlari kencang dan patuh kepada majikannya serta cantik penampilannya. Anak kedua pula permintaannya tidak terlalu sukar.. Dia hanya minta suatu cerita. Dan ceritanya berbunyi begini...

Dahulu kala.. dalam kerajaan Phuket.. ada seorang raja yang mempunyai anak puteri.. Kedua anak ini mempunyai permintaan yang perlu dipenuhi. Anak pertama meminta dicarikan kuda yang mampu berlari kencang dan patuh kepada majikannya serta cantik penampilannya. Anak kedua pula permintaannya tidak terlalu sukar.. Dia hanya minta suatu cerita. Dan ceritanya berbunyi begini...

Dahulu kala.. dalam kerajaan Phuket.. ada seorang raja yang mempunyai anak puteri.. Kedua anak ini mempunyai permintaan yang perlu dipenuhi. Anak pertama meminta dicarikan kuda yang mampu berlari kencang dan patuh kepada majikannya serta cantik penampilannya. Anak kedua pula permintaannya tidak terlalu sukar.. Dia hanya minta suatu cerita. Dan ceritanya berbunyi begini...

Dahulu kala... (repeated infinitely...)"

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Haram menikahi gadis satu kampung MUI jakarta mengeluarkan fatwa baru. Setelah diadakan rapat dan diskusi diantara para pemimpin MUI dan dewan pakarnya, memberikan fatwa pada tanggal 3 oktober tahun 2003 "HARAM HUKUMNYA BAGI SEORANG MUSLIM LAKI-LAKI UNTUK MENIKAH DENGAN GADIS SEKAMPUNG"

Fatwa MUI ini telah menimbulkan perdebatan yang sangat sengit antara yang pro dan kontra. Bahkan banyak pihak yang menyatakan bahwa MUI telah gegabah mengambil keputusan tersebut. Untuk mencari tahu alasan MUI mengeluarkan fatwa tersebut, maka wartawan republika mewancari sekretaris umum MUI Prof.Dr. Din syamsudin Inilah isi wawancara tersebut:

Wartawan: Pak syamsudin, bagaimana MUI bisa mengeluarkan fatwa haram untuk menikahi gadis sekampung?

Prof.Dr.Din Syamsudin: Bagaimana enggak haram, menikahi empat orang gadis aja berat, apalagi satu kampung, kan itu banyak jumlahnya..... ...................

moral of the story, don't jump to conclusion before understanding the details and facts

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 3

"Pada suatu hari, ada sebuah kereta yang dipandu terhoyong hayang melanggar tiang lampu dan terbalik.. Kesemua penumpangnya yang terdiri dari seorang lelaki tua.. seorang wanita tua.. dan dua orang anak kecil.. luka parah tak berdaya. Hanya seekor monyet yang merupakan binatang peliharaan keluarga.. masih sihat tanpa sedikit luka pun. Pihak polis kebingungan melihat kejadian itu... lalu dia memutuskan untuk menyoal saja pada si monyet untuk memperoleh keterangan mengenai kejadian tersebut..

Polis : "Monyet.. apa yang terjadi sebenarnya?"

Si monyet kemudian merebahkan dirinya dalam keadaan terbalik beberapa kali.

Polis : "Oh...kereta terbalik beberapa kali... jadi apa yang dilakukan oleh lelaki tua itu?"

Si monyet menirukan gerakan mabuk sambil menggayakan minum arak..

Polis : "Oh...lelaki itu sedang mabuk masa memandu. Dan bagaimana pulak wanita tua itu? Anak-anak juga buat apa?"

Si monyet menirukan posisi orang tidur.. kemudian bergerak-gerak spt orang sedang bertengkar. "Oh...okey.. saya dah faham.. wanita tua itu tido dan anak2nya bertengkar dalam kereta.. dan kamu sendiri pula buat apa monyet?"

Dan... si monyet kemudian menirukan gaya memandu..."

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Sepasang suami isteri yg telah mempunyai 3 orang anak, sedang berbual sambil menonton TV di dalam bilik mereka. Si isteri bertanya kepada suami beberapa soalan.

Isteri : Bang, kalau saya mati dulu, abang kahwin lagi tak?

Suami : Abang rasa, abang mungkin kahwin lagi. Kerana, anak-anak kita perlukan orang yang boleh beri perhatian. Makan minum abang pun adalah orang yang sediakan.

Isteri : Habis, kalau abang kahwin lagi, abang kasi ke dia duduk rumah kita.

Suami : Yelah. Sebab rumah ni mahal, takkan nak biar kosong macam tu saja?

Isteri : Abang kasi ke dia pakai almari kita?

Suami : Ye yang, almari kita ada 4 pintu takkan nak bagi org lain pulak.

Isteri : Abang kasi ke dia pakai katil kita?

Suami : Terpaksalah yang. Sebab katil kita tu baru je beli sebulan.

Isteri : Baju tidur saya, pijama dan towel saya?

Suami : Takkan itu abang nak bagi kakak & adik awak. Jadi, drpd tak dipakai, lebih baik kalau abang kasi dia aja.

Isteri : Handbag saya, kasut saya, golf set saya?

Suami : Itu tak boleh, sebab dia suka handbag kaler maroon, kasut dia saiz kecil drpd awak, saiz 5, golf set tak boleh sebab dia kidal...

Isteri: @#$%????!!!!!

Suami: (Dalam hati)Alamak!!

Moral of the story : Don't get caught!!!!!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 3

"Abang ni, pakai tu elok-elok la sikit," kata Liza lembut sambil membetulkan pakaian Usin. Usin tersenyum memandang isterinya. "Cantik isteri abang hari ni," Usin mencubit pipi Liza lembut. "Ayah, ayah, cepat la yah," Farah dan Adi meluru masuk ke bilik kerana dah tak sabar-sabar nak bertolak pulang ke kampung. "Yelah, yelah, ayah dah siap ni." Liza hanya tersenyum melihat suaminya itu melayan karenah anak-anak mereka yang comel dan manja. "Abang, dah lama kita tak balik kampung macam ni,ye?" "Iyelah, maklumlah abang ni sibuk dengan urusan perniagaan. Baru kali ni abang ada peluang untuk cuti panjang." Usin berkata kepada isterinya tercinta. Perjalanan daripada KL ke Tangkak mengambil masa lebih kurang empat jam. Farah dan Adi dah pun terlelap kat kerusi belakang. Begitu juga dengan isterinya, Liza. "Tak sabar rasanya nak tiba kat kampung," Usin berkata dalam hati.

Sedikit demi sedikit Usin menekan minyak keretanya. Semakin lama keretanya semakin laju dan Usin semakin seronok. Usin dah tak sabar untuk segera sampai ke kampungnya. Pedal minyak ditekannya lagi dan Honda Civicnya mula memecut. Usin cilok kiri, cilok kanan. Habis semua kenderaan dipotongnya. Bangga betul Usin masa tu. Terlupa dia sekejap pada anak dan isterinya yang sedang tidur. "Eh abang, kenapa bawa laju sangat ni?" tiba-tiba Liza terjaga dari tidurnya. "Tak ada apa la sayang, rileks...cepat sikit kita sampai kampung nanti." "Sabar bang, sabar. Biar lambat tak apa....jangan laju sangat bang, Liza takut." Liza cuba memujuk Usin supaya memperlahankan kenderaannya. "Rileks Liza...tak ada apa-apa," Usin terus memotong bas ekspres didepannya tanpa was-was. "Haaa..kan, tengok. Tak ada apa-apa kan?" kata Usin setelah berjaya memotong bas ekspres tadi. "Sudah la tu bang." "Ha... tu ada satu lagi bas ekspres. Liza tengok abang motong dia aaa...." Usin terus masuk gear 3, pedal minyak ditekannya hingga jejak ke lantai. Usin terus membelok ke kanan untuk memotong dan.... di depannya tersergam sebuah lori balak yang besar dan gagah dan..... BANG!!

"Usin....bangun Sin," sayup-sayup terdengar suara emaknya. Usin membuka matanya. Dia terlihat emaknya di situ. "Mana Liza mak? Macammana dengan Liza mak? Farah, Adi....mana anak-anak saya mak?" Bertubi-tubi Usin menyoal emaknya. Usin tak dapat menahan kesedihannya lagi. Usin menangis semahu-mahunya di depan emaknya. Emaknya memandang Usin tepat-tepat. "Macamana dengan isteri Usin mak, Liza?" Usin masih terus menangis.

PANGGG!! Kepala Usin yang botak itu ditampar oleh emaknya dengan tiba-tiba. Usin terdiam. Kenapa emaknya buat dia macam tu? "Banyak la engkau punya isteri! Keja pun pemalas ada hati nak berbini. Tu la, tidur lagi senja-senja macam ni! Dah! Bangun pegi sembahyang!" emaknya terus merungut sambil berlalu keluar.... ....Dan Usin tersengih keseorangan. Rasa macam nak masuk dalam tin biskut. Sekian.

The moral Of The Story Is : Pandulah dengan berhati-hati walaupun dalam mimpi!!!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Jokes Part 3

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.... "MOMMY MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAY GROUND AND DADDY AND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, the laying down on the seat, and..... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army." Some times you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!!

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A mother and her son having conversation.

M : What are the 3 steps to put an elephant in a freezer?

S: Don't know. Anyhow you can't put the a big elephant into the freezer.

M: 1)Open the freezer door 2) Push the elephant inside 3) close the door. I didn't specify how big the freezer was, did I?

S: OK you got me.

M: Now this is a bit difficult. What are the 4 steps, no more no less, to put a giraffe into a freezer?

S: err errr.....

M:1) Open the freezer door 2) Take out the elephant 3) push the giraffe into the freezer 4) close the door.

S : hah you got me again!

M : OK now go to bed.

Next morning, the son was doing his homework and got a question for his mom.

S: Mom, I'm doing my homework and I got a question.

M: Go ahead.

S: What is the coldest animal in the world?

M: Polar Bear

S: No

M: Penguin

S: No, try again.

M: Whale?

S: Nope

M: OK I give up......what is it?

S: .............its the giraffe that you left in the freezer over night.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 2

Alkisah..... Seorang lelaki melayu ponteng sembahyang Jumaat. Sebaliknya dia masuk hutan untuk memburu beruang. Sedang dia terhendap2 di dalam semak, tiba2 dia berlanggar dengan seekor beruang. Dia begitu terkejut sehingga senapangnya tercampak lalu tergelungsur ke dalam jurang. Dia pula tergolek ke arah lain, jatuh ke atas batu dan KRAKKKK! Kedua2 kakinya patah. Jangan risau .. ini bukanlah berita buruk ok. Ada lagi .. Berita buruknya adalah beruang tadi terus menghambatnya, sedangkan dia dah tak boleh bergerak lagi. "Ya Allah," doa lelaki tersebut, "Ampunilah dosaku kerana ponteng sembahyang berjemaah pada hari Jumaat yang mulia ini .. Ampunilah aku ya Allah .. makbulkan hajat ku ini ... jadikanlah beruang yang memburuku Muslim yang beriman .. tolong ya Allah! Aminnn .." Tiba2 guruh berdentum! Beruang tadi tiba2 terhenti betul2 di hadapan lelaki tadi. Sambil menadah kedua2 kaki depannya ke langit .. beruang tersebut pun berdoa, "Allahumma barik lana, fima razaktana, wa qina azabbannar. Amin!" Beriman betul beruang tu...nak makan lelaki tu pun baca doa makan dulu...ehehe..... Moral of the story: Berhati2 bila berdoa, mana tahu, doa tu akan mendatangkan keburukan pada kita walaupun asalnya niat tu baik!!!!

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Tiga lelaki sedang bersiap untuk mengikuti ujian akhir untuk menjadi agen CIA. Pegawai bertugas menyatakan yang didalam ujian akhir mereka ini, mereka dikehendaki membunuh isteri masing2. Pegawai itu memberi senapang pada Abdul dan kemudian masuk ke bilik sebelah dimana isterinya berada. Beberapa minit kemudian lelaki itu keluar dan mengatakan dia terlalu cinta kepada isterinya, tak kuasa ia membunuhnya. Amin memasuki bilik yang lain dengan senapang untuk membunuh isterinya. Sepuluh minit kemudian dia keluar dan menyatakan.. betapapun dia ingin jadi agen CIA, dia tak sanggup membunuh isterinya sendiri. Kemudian pegawai itu memberikan senapang kepada Akbar dan kemudian masuk bilik yang mempunyai isterinya... Setelah 15 minit mereka semua mendengar bunyi tiga kali tembakan. Kemudian setelah beberapa minit.. lelaki itu keluar dengan nafas termengah-mengah dan berpeluh... Pegawai itu bertanya apa yang terjadi.. dan Akbar menjawab "Tuan bagi senapang yang ada peluru kapur.. jadi aku terpaksa mencekik leher isteriku untuk membunuhnya.."

Monday, September 04, 2006

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 2

Suatu hari di tengah hutan.. ketika para pelajar sebuah universiti sedang melakukan penyelidikan terhadap tumbuhan hutan... Seorang pelajar senior yang juga merupakan pemimpin kepada rombongan itu berjumpa dengan sebuah pisau lipat di atas tanah. Menurut peraturan yang telah ditetapkan semasa membuat penyelidikan didalam hutan.. sesiapa yang meninggalkan barang penyelidikan di dalam perjalanan akan dihukum. Lalu pelajar Senior itu dengan mengambil pisau lipat dan menghimpunkan semua pelajar untuk tujuan menghukum mana-mana siswa yang telah lalai meninggalkan pisau lipatnya. "Siapa yang merasa kehilangan pisau lipat di tengah perjalanan tadi?" tanya pelajar senior itu.. Tak ada seorang pun yang berani mengaku.. Kemudian pelajar senior itu menambah.. "Ayuh cepat.. mengaku aje la,. lagipun sebenarnya saya sudah tahu siapa pemilik pisau lipat ini kerana namanya terukir di sini.. Tapi saya inginkan kejujuran kamu semua untuk mengaku!" Masih tidak ada jawaban dari para pelajar lain.. "Kerana tidak ada yang dengan jujur mahu mengakui kesalahannya maka saya akan panggil namanya?!!!" Pelajar2 masih lagi diam. Akhirnya pelajar senior itu tidak dapat bersabar lagi.. lalu diambilnya pisau lipat tadi kemudian dengan lantang dia menyebut nama pemilik pisau itu... "STAINLESS STEEL cepat keluar...!!!" "

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 1

Seorang Guru tertidur di depan kelas, ketika terbangun dia menyuruh murid-muridnya pulang... "Tadi saya sudah berjanji dengan Bush untuk bertemu di dunia mimpi" katanya memberikan alasan.. Keesokan harinya, ada pula seorang murid tertidur di kelas itu. Guru itu membangunkannya dengan pukulan tongkat dan memarahinya.. "Beraninya kamu tidur dalam kelas!" "Saya juga ada janji untuk bertemu dengan Bush" jawab murid itu. "Baiklah, apa yang dikatakan oleh Bush pada kamu?" tanya Guru itu.. "Dia berkata.. dia tidak bertemu dengan cikgu semalam"

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Pada suatu hari, seorang Nyonya bernama Nyonye Mei Lee datang ke KL untuk kali pertama selepas menang loteri. Beliau check-in di sebuah hotel mewah dan seorang pelayan membawakan begnya menuju ke bilik penginapan Nyonya Mei Lee. Nyonya Mei Lee dengan girangnye mengikuti langkah-langkah pelayan itu dan ketika pelayan tersebut menutup pintu, Nyonya Mei Lee melihat ke sekeliling. Beliau tetiba menjadi marah lalu berkata kepada pelayan tersebut. Eksekius mi, lu jangan ingat wa tua, mali dari kampung, tatak tau duduk hotel.. sudah baya latut latut, lu kasi ini bilik ka??!! kicik!! tatak tibi, tatak lemari tatak apa pun??? katil mau titur pun tatak????, haiyyaaa.. mau tipu olang ka??!!" Lalu pelayan itu pun menjawab, "Sabar Nyonya, ini baru lift, maaa...."

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Malaysian Jokes

Mr. Samy Vellu went for the recent UN meeting. He represented the Malaysian PM. All nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2010. Here are some of the conversations : Chinese Delegate " By the year 2007, China will start their moon exploration project ". Russian Delegate " We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon". George Bush " We the United States will also explore the moon for the fifth time ." Malaysian Delegate " By the year 2008, Malaysia will explore the sun." There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian delegate : " Isn't it too hot to explore the sun ?" Samy Vellu ( after a long silence...) " We will do it in the night, like JKR Bahagian Jalan done.".

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Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian. Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant. "Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng. "Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

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Selepas acara penutup Sukan Olimpik, pemberita Malaysia pun membuat liputan dengan menemuramah ketua kontijen Malaysia ke Athens di Lapangan Terbang KLIA sebaik sahaja kontijen Malaysia tiba. Pemberita :"Adakah pasukan Malaysia berjaya membawa balik emas, perak atau gangsa?" Ketua kontijen: " Ya, kita berjaya bawak balik emas, besar lagi!!" Pemberita :"Yang mana satu?" Ketua kontijen :" Tuuuu Haaaah" (sambil menunding jari ke arah Boeing 747-400 Malaysian Airline Systems)

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Have you seen the Made-in-Malaysia car "Kancil"? You know, that very little 600 cc car ?? Well, Dr M really wanted to sell it to the US , so when Dr M paid a visit to the White House after finishing formal discussions with George Bush, Dr M checked with Bush to find out if there is a way to sell the Kancil in the USA . After having looked at the brochure, Bush said, "You know, I think this 'Kernchill' is too small for us Americans." Not one who gives up easily, Dr M persisted and finally Bush offered, "Ok, take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and he's also the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North America ." Dr M was satisfied with the meeting and returned to Malaysia . The next day he called the number and a lady answered,"TOYS R US" can I help you?"

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Di zaman pemerintahan Melayu Melaka, Maharaja Cina telah menghantar rombongan ke Melaka untuk mengiringi Puteri Hang Li Po. Kerana Maharaja Cina suka akan nombor 8, dia memastikan ada 8 Hang semuanya.
1) Hang Li Po
2) Hang Tuah
3) Hang Jebat
4) Hang Kasturi
5) Hang Lekir
6) Hang Lekiu ...

siapakah 2 lagi Hang itu? . . . . . . . . . .

Hang Tanya
Hang Bodo

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 1

Pada suatu malam Taufik memandu sendirian dari Batu Pahat untuk ke Melaka. Tiba di Semerah seorang lelaki tua menahan keretanya. Simpati dengan nasib orang tua itu, Taufik memberhentikan kereta dan mempelawanya naik. "Anak nak pergi mana?" Tanya orang tua itu. "Melaka," Kata Taufik "Turunkan pakcik di Muar sudahlah." Taufik angguk dan terus memandu. "Anak nak kaya tak?" Tiba-tiba lelaki tua itu bersuara lagi. Taufik mula rasa tidak sedap hati. Dia mengesyaki orang tua itu cuba memberi nombor untuk ditikam, sedangkan Taufik bukanlah kaki ekor. "Tak apalah Pakcik. Hidup ni tak perlu kaya sangat, apa yang ada cukuplah,"Kata Taufik "Betul anak tak mau kaya?, Pakcik nak bagi ni!" "Tak apa,pakcik. Terima kasih." Akhirnya mereka sampai di Muar. Apabila kereta berhenti, orang tua itu bersiap-siap untuk turun dan mengambil begnya. "Pakcik ada tujuh tin SRI KAYA ni. Tapi kalau anak tak nak juga, tak apalah," Katanya. Taufik hanya terkebil-kebil melihat orang tua itu turun dari keretanya.....

Moral of the story: kalau orang nak bagi tu ambik ajer laaahhhhh.....

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Pada satu hari Timah dan bapanya datang ke KL dan pergi ke shopping mall....Anak beranak nih baru first time datang KL, sebelum nih asyik dok memerap kat kampung... Jalan punya jalan, akhirnya Timah terpandang lif lalu diapun tanyalah bapak dia...." Pak, itu amenda pak?" Bapak dia jawab," entah lah nak....bapak pun baru ini nampak menatang tuh...." Tak lama lepas tu seorang nyonya tua terbongkok2, tergigil2 pergi kedinding dan menekan butang lif tersebut.....lif pun terbuka lalu nyonya masuk ke dalam lif dan lif tertutup.....tidak lama kemudian lif terbuka...TINGGGG!!!!! keluarlah seorang amoi yang punyalah cun cam SHANIA TWAIN... lantas berkatalah bapak si Timah kepada Timah...... "NAK! KAU PERGI AMBIK EMAK KAMU BAWAK KEMARI, KITA MASUKKAN DIA DALAM GUA AJAIB NIH....CEPAT!!!"

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Sunday, August 27, 2006

Jokes Part 2

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

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ONE DAY at TAN TOCK SENG HOSPITAL - Center for Communicable Disease in Singapore This story was told by a nurse...and she swears this really happened on her ward. A man suspected of SARs is lying in bed with an mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!" At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again, "I SAID!!!!!: Are my test results back???"

Jokes Part 1

Two guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

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Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Sunday, August 20, 2006

My Favorite Cartoons when I was a Kid (part III)

Heathcliff





Danger Mouse




Silverhawks




Bravestarr




Defenders of the Earth




Visionaries




Jem and the Holograms


Sunday, August 13, 2006

BMW


BMW, originally uploaded by ahmedrazman.

BMW started with this ad...

Audi


Audi, originally uploaded by ahmedrazman.

Audi responded..

Subaru


Subaru, originally uploaded by ahmedrazman.

Subaru has a final say...

Saturday, August 12, 2006

My Other Favorite Cartoons when I was a kid (Part II)

It seems that I watched too many cartoons when I was small. Aren't we all?

Saber Rider (opening)



Saber Rider (closing)



Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles



Centurions



Captain Planet



Gummi Bears



She-Ra