Malaysian Jokes

Mr. Samy Vellu went for the recent UN meeting. He represented the Malaysian PM. All nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2010. Here are some of the conversations : Chinese Delegate " By the year 2007, China will start their moon exploration project ". Russian Delegate " We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon". George Bush " We the United States will also explore the moon for the fifth time ." Malaysian Delegate " By the year 2008, Malaysia will explore the sun." There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian delegate : " Isn't it too hot to explore the sun ?" Samy Vellu ( after a long silence...) " We will do it in the night, like JKR Bahagian Jalan done.".

***********************************************************************************

Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian. Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant. "Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng. "Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

***********************************************************************************

Selepas acara penutup Sukan Olimpik, pemberita Malaysia pun membuat liputan dengan menemuramah ketua kontijen Malaysia ke Athens di Lapangan Terbang KLIA sebaik sahaja kontijen Malaysia tiba. Pemberita :"Adakah pasukan Malaysia berjaya membawa balik emas, perak atau gangsa?" Ketua kontijen: " Ya, kita berjaya bawak balik emas, besar lagi!!" Pemberita :"Yang mana satu?" Ketua kontijen :" Tuuuu Haaaah" (sambil menunding jari ke arah Boeing 747-400 Malaysian Airline Systems)

***********************************************************************************

Have you seen the Made-in-Malaysia car "Kancil"? You know, that very little 600 cc car ?? Well, Dr M really wanted to sell it to the US , so when Dr M paid a visit to the White House after finishing formal discussions with George Bush, Dr M checked with Bush to find out if there is a way to sell the Kancil in the USA . After having looked at the brochure, Bush said, "You know, I think this 'Kernchill' is too small for us Americans." Not one who gives up easily, Dr M persisted and finally Bush offered, "Ok, take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and he's also the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North America ." Dr M was satisfied with the meeting and returned to Malaysia . The next day he called the number and a lady answered,"TOYS R US" can I help you?"

***********************************************************************************

Di zaman pemerintahan Melayu Melaka, Maharaja Cina telah menghantar rombongan ke Melaka untuk mengiringi Puteri Hang Li Po. Kerana Maharaja Cina suka akan nombor 8, dia memastikan ada 8 Hang semuanya.
1) Hang Li Po
2) Hang Tuah
3) Hang Jebat
4) Hang Kasturi
5) Hang Lekir
6) Hang Lekiu ...

siapakah 2 lagi Hang itu? . . . . . . . . . .

Hang Tanya
Hang Bodo

Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses

Haunted Heart by Alias

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 1

Pada suatu malam Taufik memandu sendirian dari Batu Pahat untuk ke Melaka. Tiba di Semerah seorang lelaki tua menahan keretanya. Simpati dengan nasib orang tua itu, Taufik memberhentikan kereta dan mempelawanya naik. "Anak nak pergi mana?" Tanya orang tua itu. "Melaka," Kata Taufik "Turunkan pakcik di Muar sudahlah." Taufik angguk dan terus memandu. "Anak nak kaya tak?" Tiba-tiba lelaki tua itu bersuara lagi. Taufik mula rasa tidak sedap hati. Dia mengesyaki orang tua itu cuba memberi nombor untuk ditikam, sedangkan Taufik bukanlah kaki ekor. "Tak apalah Pakcik. Hidup ni tak perlu kaya sangat, apa yang ada cukuplah,"Kata Taufik "Betul anak tak mau kaya?, Pakcik nak bagi ni!" "Tak apa,pakcik. Terima kasih." Akhirnya mereka sampai di Muar. Apabila kereta berhenti, orang tua itu bersiap-siap untuk turun dan mengambil begnya. "Pakcik ada tujuh tin SRI KAYA ni. Tapi kalau anak tak nak juga, tak apalah," Katanya. Taufik hanya terkebil-kebil melihat orang tua itu turun dari keretanya.....

Moral of the story: kalau orang nak bagi tu ambik ajer laaahhhhh.....

********************************************************************

Pada satu hari Timah dan bapanya datang ke KL dan pergi ke shopping mall....Anak beranak nih baru first time datang KL, sebelum nih asyik dok memerap kat kampung... Jalan punya jalan, akhirnya Timah terpandang lif lalu diapun tanyalah bapak dia...." Pak, itu amenda pak?" Bapak dia jawab," entah lah nak....bapak pun baru ini nampak menatang tuh...." Tak lama lepas tu seorang nyonya tua terbongkok2, tergigil2 pergi kedinding dan menekan butang lif tersebut.....lif pun terbuka lalu nyonya masuk ke dalam lif dan lif tertutup.....tidak lama kemudian lif terbuka...TINGGGG!!!!! keluarlah seorang amoi yang punyalah cun cam SHANIA TWAIN... lantas berkatalah bapak si Timah kepada Timah...... "NAK! KAU PERGI AMBIK EMAK KAMU BAWAK KEMARI, KITA MASUKKAN DIA DALAM GUA AJAIB NIH....CEPAT!!!"

********************************************************************

(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson

Happy Birthday by The Ramones

Jokes Part 2

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

********************************************************************************

ONE DAY at TAN TOCK SENG HOSPITAL - Center for Communicable Disease in Singapore This story was told by a nurse...and she swears this really happened on her ward. A man suspected of SARs is lying in bed with an mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!" At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again, "I SAID!!!!!: Are my test results back???"

Jokes Part 1

Two guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

***************************************************************************

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Bohemian Rhasody by Queen

Strength to Endure by The Ramones

Innuendo by Queen

I Don't Want To Grow Up by The Ramones

Oliver's Army by Elvis Costello

Poison Heart by The Ramones

Anarchy in the UK by Sex Pistols

The KKK Took My Baby Away by The Ramones

Koka Kola by The Clash

Rock 'n' Roll High School by The Ramones

My Favorite Cartoons when I was a Kid (part III)

Heathcliff





Danger Mouse




Silverhawks




Bravestarr




Defenders of the Earth




Visionaries




Jem and the Holograms

God Save The Queen by Sex Pistols

Substitute by The Ramones

London Calling by The Clash

Spider Man by The Ramones

Alahai...

Love Song by The Damned

I Just Wanna Have Something To Do by The Ramones

2 in 1 pictures

Courtesy of my friend, Hisham

Everybodies Happy Nowadays by Buzzcocks

Do You Remember Rock 'n' Roll Radio by The Ramones

BMW

BMW, originally uploaded by ahmedrazman.

BMW started with this ad...

Audi

Audi, originally uploaded by ahmedrazman.

Audi responded..

Subaru

Subaru, originally uploaded by ahmedrazman.

Subaru has a final say...

My Other Favorite Cartoons when I was a kid (Part II)

It seems that I watched too many cartoons when I was small. Aren't we all?

Saber Rider (opening)



Saber Rider (closing)



Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles



Centurions



Captain Planet



Gummi Bears



She-Ra

What Do I Get by Buzzcocks

We Want the Airwaves by The Ramones

Promises by Buzzcocks

Pet Sematary by The Ramones

Men and Women - Before and After Marriage

Another interesting stuff from my wife's email....

Wife : Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

**********

Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

**********

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to giveup my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?""Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

**********

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "Billionaire"

**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning

**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my body?"He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

**********

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

My Favorite Cartoons when I was a kid

Transformers



Smurf



Dungeons & Dragons



Macross



MASK



He-Man



Thundercats



another Thundercats intro *i-love-cheetahra*



Lion Force Voltron



Vehicle Voltron

Ever Fallen in Love by Buzzcocks

I Wanna Be Sedated by The Ramones

Somebody to Love by Jefferson Airplane

Jim Carrey sang this song during the karaoke session in The Cable Guy..

Crash by The Primitives

another great song featured in Dumb & Dumber the movie..

Malay-shire

Insomniac by Echobelly

great song...featured in Dumb & Dumber the movie

Kung Pow

my favorite scene from Kung Pow the movie...

Five Lessons from Workplace

Again, taken from my wife's email. She always got interesting stuff.

Story: 1

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO. As his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything

Story: 2

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager thoughtfully. And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.

Story: 3

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?" Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese,Vietnamese!, etc......???" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkey, or monkey?"

Lesson III - Never insult anyone.

Story: 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same andshouted," VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.

Story: 5

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouts, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries for a month. "Pfufffff, and he is gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouts, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails for a month." "Pfufffff, and he is also gone. Then it's the boss's turn, and he says calmly, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"

Lesson V- "Always allow the bosses to speak first".

Joint Crackers

Found this site that focus mainly on joint crackers. Amusing.

Ayah Saya

Saya Pun Tahu Menyanyi

Another scene from Malaysian Idol

The Difference between Guts and Balls

Found this on my wife's email (again, I'm helping her organising the mails...honest, again)

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Grocery Lists

I guess nowadays nothing can be regarded as rubbish. Take this site for example. It wants people to send picture of their grocery lists. Yes, no kidding. And the results can be quite interesting and colourful too!

Can I Tell You a Secret?

My friend, Idlan mentioned about this site on her blog. It is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. What a better way to let out your secret than telling everyone in the World? and without no one knows who you are.

Malaysian Idol Kid

very cute! found it while organising my notebook files