A Night of Wonders

A Night of Wonders

In this Irish folktale, a woman with no material wealth finds a blessing when a supernatural creature takes her for a ride.

Retold by Lorraine Hartin-Gelardi

Mary McPhee lived in a tiny stone house in a remote part of the country with nothing but her cat and her memories to keep her company. Her parents had died many years before, and she remained in that little cabin, following a routine that had not changed since she was a girl. Lonesomeness was a familiar part of her life, and she put it in its proper place with the thought, "There's plenty who are worse off than the likes of me." She blessed the sun when it shone and praised the rain for making the grass grow. In her heart, Mary kept alive a flicker of hope that something wonderful was waiting for her just around the corner. It might take awhile to find, but she was convinced that it was there; it was just a matter of looking in the right place.

Mary seldom had two coins to rub together. She ran errands and did extra chores for nearby farmwives, occasionally receiving a penny or two for her labors. More often than not, she simply earned a plate of cabbage and boiled potatoes or a slice of buttered bread and a cup of tea. She made do and was grateful for the food and whatever else might come her way.

One day, a young boy appeared at Mary's door with a plea for help. His youngest brother and sister were sick with the croup and his mother needed help with the washing and cooking of the meals. "Will you come, Mary McPhee?" he asked in a solemn voice.

"Of course I will," she answered, reaching up to grab her shawl from the peg by the door.

It had been a long, troubled walk for the child and as they returned to his home, he revealed his worries to Mary. "Mary, are you not afraid walking this lonely stretch of road at night by yourself?"

"Afraid? No, I've walked this road all my life. What is there to be frightened of?" Mary replied.

"Why, Mary McPhee, surely you've heard of the pooka. He travels these roads at night, playing tricks on folks and causing all sorts of devilment."

"Oh, that old black horse—he's nothing to be afraid of. His tricks are harmless. All he does is turn himself into a pile of straw that can't be lifted or spoil the berries or bewitch a cow and get it to kick over a milk pail. Why would I be afraid of nonsense like that?"

"Mary McPhee, have you not heard the other stories? How he knocks people into ditches, scares them with his fiery blue eyes, bruises them with his great big hooves, and takes them away on wild night rides!"

"Ah, he only abuses them that's afraid of him. I'm not a bit afraid. In fact, I'd welcome a ride through the countryside. It would be a grand adventure the likes of which I've never had!"

"Oh, Mary, don't say such things. You never know who is listening," cautioned the boy. When Mary heard the child's innocent reproach, she gave a hoot and the sound of her laughter tinkled across the fields and up into the air.

Mary spent the remainder of the day working. She washed the clothes, hung them on the line, and, as they dried, she started the stew simmering and baked the bread. After she served the other children their supper, Mary cleaned up the dishes and brought in the clothes as the sun sidled its way out of the reddened sky. The woman finally tucked her children into bed for the night, then sat down with Mary to enjoy a welcome bowl of mutton stew. As the two women ate their meal, Mary felt weariness creep into her worn body. She sipped the last of her tea, wrapped her shawl around her shoulders, and bade the woman good-night. "Will you be all right, Mary?" asked the woman. "It's late and it's a long walk back to your place."

"Don't worry about me," said Mary. "There's a full moon out to light my path. I'll be just fine." Mary moseyed along, feeling the weight of her tired feet and enjoying the peacefulness of the evening. The moon cast a silvery sheen over the landscape and caused lacy shadows to fall across the fields. "Just lovely," muttered Mary to herself, and then she stumbled over something in the road. Looking down, Mary saw an old, black pot. "Well now, that's an odd thing to find abandoned in the middle of the road," she remarked. "But you never know, it might come in handy. I'll just take it along with me and see what comes of it."

She bent down to lift the pot by its handle and saw that it was filled with gold coins. "Goodness gracious," she exclaimed, standing bolt upright in shock. She circled the pot several times, observing it from all angles to make sure that it was real and when it didn't disappear, she thought to herself, "It would be foolish to leave it here. Why, it's just sitting here, waiting for me to take it home. "However, the pot was too heavy to carry, so Mary tied her shawl around it and began to drag it down the road.

As Mary lugged the pot behind her, she imagined the things she could do with her newfound riches, her ruminations moving from the practical to the fantastic, until she chuckled to herself and muttered, "Mary McPhee, you're putting on airs. What would the likes of you be doing in a castle with servants?"

After a while, Mary had to stop and catch her breath because hauling the pot was hard work. Turning around, she gave a cry of surprise for she discovered that her pot of gold had turned into a huge lump of shining silver. "Well, will you look at that!" she exclaimed. "It is indeed a strange night. A lump of silver may not be a pot of gold, but it's more convenient and easier to keep safe." She adjusted the shawl, took a deep breath, and continued down the road, pulling the treasure behind her.

The lump of silver weighed almost as much as the pot of gold, and soon Mary had to stop again to rest. She turned around and this time saw that the lump of silver had become a great lump of iron. "The moonlight must be playing tricks on my poor, tired eyes. Nevertheless, a lump of iron is more than I had when I woke up this morning." With a smile on her face, she took hold of the shawl and made her way back to her cottage.

When Mary got home, she reached down to pick up the lump of iron and, in the moonlight, saw that it had become an ordinary stone. With a laugh, she declared, "Luck has been with me this whole night. The lump of iron is nothing more than a stone, but isn't that exactly what I need to prop open my front door."

Mary untied the shawl, lifted it off the stone, and wrapped it around her shoulders. The stone began to shiver and shake and Mary watched in amazement as it bounced and jumped about, sprouting four legs, a long neck, and a tail, until it became a fine black horse with eyes the color of blue flames. It switched its silken tail, shook its powerful head, and pawed the ground with its mighty front hoof. "That pot of gold befuddled my brains," said Mary, shaking her head. "I should have known that such peculiar antics were the workings of none other than the pooka himself!"

The pooka bent its head until its fiery eyes were level with Mary's face. In a gravelly human voice it asked, "Would you like to go for a ride, Mary McPhee?"

Without hesitation, Mary replied, "Indeed, I would." The horse bent its neck and Mary hitched up her skirt, grabbed hold of the horse's long mane, and pulled herself onto its back. The pooka gave a mighty leap and sprang into the air. They raced along, the pooka's hooves barely touching the earth as they bounded across the fields and flew over the hills. The pins that held Mary's hair bound came loose and her long tresses streamed out behind her. "Look at me," she hollered out with glee. "I'm flying!"

The pooka came to an abrupt halt at a spot where two roads crossed and stomped the ground with its hoof. All of a sudden, a thin gray cloud of mist began to float over the surrounding fields. It glimmered in the moonlight, swirling higher and closer, thickening as it twirled, until it was so dense that Mary could not see her own hand in front of her face. Then slowly, the silvery haze faded away and revealed a fine, big house with a delicate blue light spilling out of its open door. "Go on in, Mary McPhee," said the horse, bowing its head to the ground. Mary slipped off the pooka's back and made a quick attempt to straighten her disheveled hair and clothes. Warily, she stepped into the patch of light, placed her hand on the doorframe, and peered inside.

Mary's eyes widened in astonishment as she gazed at the spectacle arrayed before her. Hundreds of blue-white flames hovered in the air, casting a pearly sheen over the most beautiful people Mary had ever seen. Their dazzling blue eyes twinkled as they chattered and laughed, the sound of their voices rippling through the room like a spring rain. Every one of them had white hair and alabaster skin, but none wore the signs of age. Music drifted up from the earth below, a delicate, haunting melody that silenced the conversation. As Mary stood in the doorway, the people began to dance, moving around the room with the fragile agility of moths fluttering through the night.

A man wearing a waistcoat of dove-gray feathers walked toward Mary and extended an elegant hand. "Would you care to dance, Mary McPhee?" he asked. Mary nodded her head and placed her workworn fingers in his translucent palm. She seemed to float across the floor as he led her to the center of the room. All traces of fatigue departed from Mary's body as she danced like a feather on the wind, allowing the music to seep into her bones and carry her around the room. Mary danced all night long. Outside, morning approached through the open door and in the face of its soft light, the blue-white flames weakened. The alabaster people slowly dissolved, the edges of their bodies blurring until they completely vanished from sight. The music wafted away and Mary found herself standing in the middle of an empty field as dawn brightened the horizon.

The pooka stood next to her and in a hoarse whisper gently announced, "I think it's time to go home, Mary McPhee." With a few powerful strides, the pooka carried Mary back to her humble cottage and deposited her next to her front door.

"Good-night, Mary McPhee," said the pooka.

"Thank you," answered Mary. "It has been a grand evening."

"Indeed, it has," declared the pooka. "Now you've got a story to tell, Mary McPhee, and you can remind your neighbors that the pooka is more than tricks and treachery." The pooka kicked up his heels, gave a loud whinny, and galloped down the road. Mary watched until the great black horse was just a speck in the distance, then she went inside.

Mary put on the kettle and brewed herself a cup of strong tea. She sat in her chair, sipping her tea and related the night's adventures to her ginger-colored cat curled up on her lap. "Oh, puss," she said, "it was a night of wonders. I will remember it all my born days. I would never trade it for anything, not for a lump of iron, or a hunk of shining silver, not even for a pot full of golden coins."

An old Scottish proverb says, "Were it not for hope, the heart would break." An attitude of hopefulness can allow us to respond openly to the possibilities that life offers. Hope entails clear vision; we are conscious of the problems in the world and see the obstacles in our daily lives. We do not blithely suppose that all will be well. In times of hardship, we look backward at our collective history, examine our spirituality, listen to the stories of our ancestors, and see that we can triumph over difficulty. The memory of the past offers a promise for the future and we are able to declare our confidence in the goodness of this world.

This recognition of the underlying goodness of things helps us view others sympathetically and enables us to be open to the world around us. Hope encourages us to see things differently and imagine creative solutions to our problems We are willing to set aside our fears, take risks, and work to bring about changes in our environment.

*received it from an email, originally from www.beliefnet.com

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 8

Seorang atuk tegur cucu dia yang tak cemerlang dalam peperiksaan

Atuk: Tengok kawan-kawan sebaya cu, semua lulus tinggi-tinggi. Cu ini asyik internet, tv atau main bola. Bila nak belajar? Besar nak jadi apa? (Atok marah tahap tertinggi)

Cucu: Atok asyik bandingkan dengan kengkawan yang lain. Cu tak pernah pun marah bila atok tak sama seperti kawan-kawan sebaya atok yang lain.

Atuk: Tak sama apanyerr?

Cucu: Kawan-kawan sebaya atok semua dah jadi arwah kan?

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Satu hari ketika baru saja tiba dari subang, aku singgah sekejap di KLCC. Aku ada benda untuk dibeli. Ketika aku sedang melihat barang di kedai, tiba-tiba perut aku terasa memulas. Apa lagi aku pun terus bergegas ke tandas. Masuk saja kat situ, aku tengok ada 3 bilik air. Satu tu bertutup, jadi aku pergi yang di sebelahnya. Baru saja aku duduk, aku terdengar suara dari sebelah… “Haa, camna sekarang ?”

Aku pun bukan suka nak berbual dengan orang yang aku tak kenal kat tandas tu. Ntah camna, akhirnya aku balas juga “Ok gak ler”

Kemudian suara tu bertanya lagi “Ko nak gi mana ni??”

Iskk..Aku mula rasa musykil sikit..tapi aku kata “Aku nak balik, singgah sini nak beli barang sikit”

Lepas tu suara tu bertanya lagi “Bila ko nak gerak ni??”

Aku selamba jer kata “Lepas aku sudah ni, abis beli aku chow la”.

Kemudian aku terdengar lagi suara orang sebelah tu berkata “Hei, aku call balik ko lepas nilah, tiap kali aku tanya soalan kat ko, mamat bodoh sebelah aku ni asyik jawap jer !

Moral cerita nyer : Jangan bercakap-cakap dalam toilet…. tu kan adab

KRU - Babe

Amy Mastura - Puteri

Bad Zookeeper

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Febians - UntukMu Sayang

Jay Jay - Cukuplah Sekali

Stapo Merok Mas - Bakpo Dok Kace

Amy Mastura - Akan Datang

Sharifah Zarina - Langit Ke Tujuh

11 tips agar tidak bosan dalam lif

1. Ketika anda hanya berdua dengan orang tak dikenali, cuit bahunya! Kemudian anda pura-pura melihat ke tempat lain..

2. Buat muka menyeringai kesakitan sambil pegang kepala anda dan menjerit “Diam, semuanya diam!”.

3. Bawalah kamera dan ambillah gambar semua orang yang ada di dalam lif.

4. Pindahkan meja kerja anda ke dalam lif. Jika ada yang masuk, tanyakan apakah mereka sudah membuat temujanji?…………..

5. Letakkan sebuah bungkusan di sudut lif, jika ada yang masuk, tanyakan apakah mereka mendengar bunyi tik…tik…tik…

6. Anda pura-pura jadi pramugari! Tunjukkan prosedur keselamatan penerbangan seperti di dalam kapalterbang.

7. Ketika pintu menutup, beri pengumuman kepada semua orang. “Bertenang, jangan panik, nanti pasti terbuka lagi!”.

8. Bukalah beg tangan anda, sambil melihat ke dalam beg tangan, tanyalah “Udaranya cukup tidak disitu?”

9. Diam dan jangan bergerak sama sekali di sudut lif, menghadap dinding, jangan sesekali keluar.

10. Dengarkan suara di dinding lift dengan stetoskop.

11. Buatlah garis di lantai sekeliling anda menggunakan kapur, lalu beritahu “Ini adalah wilayah SAYA”

Jokes Part 12

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

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A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamp post.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie."Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

Medicine - Tika Dan Saat Ini

U-topia - Mithali Cintaku

Mat Rof - Ngobok Jambo

Budi Bahasa

Seorang wanita tua menaiki sebuah bas untuk pulang ke rumahnya..Kerana bas itu sudah penuh.. wanita tua itu terpaksa berdiri..tiba-tiba ada seorang pemuda bangun dan berkata…

“Silakan duduk makcik…” “Oh, tidak perlu.. adik duduk la!” Kata wanita tua itu sambil tangannya menekan bahu pemuda tadi supaya duduk semula.. Pemuda itu duduk semula…

Tapi beberapa minit kemudian..pemudu itu berdiri dan berkata lagi… “Makcik duduk la…” kata pemuda dengan sopan… “Tak payah susah-susah… Terima kasih saje. adik duduk sajalah!” Kata Wanita tua itu sambil menolak bahu pemuda supaya kembali duduk…..

Selang beberapa minit kemudian.. pemuda itu berdiri dan berkata lagi… “Tak pe la.. makcik duduk la…” kata pemuda masih bersopan santun.. Namun wanita tua itu tetap mengalah dan berkata..“Adik tak payah risaukan makcik.. Adik duduk ajalah. lagipun makcik dah nak turun sekejap lagi..!” jawab wanita tua itu sambil menekan bahu pemuda itu supaya kembali duduk..

Sambil melutut pemuda itu memandang wanita tua dan berkata…“Tolong la Makcik.. saya ni mahu turun dari tadi tapi tak boleh!? Sekarang rumah saya dah terlepas jauh!”

Dear God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Kisah Seorang Pemuda

Pada suatu hari, ada seorang pemuda sedang mengecat bangunan tinggi. Pada ketika itu dia sedang mengecat bahagian luar bangunan ditingkat 18. Biasanya dia berdiri atas dua keping papan jer...

"Tiba-tiba ada sorang kawan menjerit dari dalam bangunan "Sin, anak ko cedera parah kena langgar kereta".

Pemuda yang tengah mengecat ni terkejut beruk mendengar anaknya kena langgar kereta. Sebagai bapa yang sangat menyayangi anak, dia jadi panik. Apa lagi dia pun terus melompat turun dari papan tu. Malangnya dia melompat bukan ke dalam bangunan tapi ke arah luar bangunan...

Apa lagi, terus jatuh ke bawah ler... Jatuh dari tingkat 18! ...mau tak berkecai tubuh badannya! Pemuda tu terkejut besar kerana tersalah lompat, tapi dah tak boleh buat apa-apa pun! Dia cuma ada sikit masa lagi untuk bertaubat... "Ya Allah ampunkan aku!! Kerana apabila badannya sampai ke bawah, pasti akan hancur berkecai...

Terlalu sedih dia ketika itu... Dahlah tak dapat jumpa anak tersayang... dia sendiri pun akan mati. Pasti bertambah sedih bininya nanti. Tiba-tiba waktu badannya tengah laju menjunam ke bawah, baru dia teringat yang dia belum ada anak lagi... Bila dah sampai tingkat 10, teringat lagi satu perkara, yang dia belum kawin lagi... Dan apa bila dah nak sampai ke tanah, baru dia teringat yang nama dia pun bukannya Sin atau Husin, tapi Halim.

Maka matilah si Halim hanya kerana terkejut pasal anak orang lain kena langgar...

Def-Gab-C - Merah

Dewa - Satu

XPDC - Semangat Yang Hilang

Bloodshed - Srikandi Cintaku

10 Thoughts for 2007

#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die

#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

#6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing

#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is so weird people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE (#1) NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of them, but we haven't a clue as to where thousandsof Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

*received it in my email Inbox*

Percentage of Net Income against Revenue (Net Margin)

PLUS = 64% (2005)

LITRAK = 33% (2006)

MTD Infraperdana = 28% (2006)

Source: Thomson ONE Banker database

PLUS Revenue

Source: Thomson ONE Banker

PLUS Net Income

Source: Thomson ONE Banker

Litrak & MTD Infraperdana Revenue

Source: Thomson ONE Banker

Litrak & MTD Infraperdana Net Income

Source: Thomson ONE Banker

Usia Pernikahan Mempengaruhi Kemesraan

Sebelum Tido:

6 minggu: selamat bobok sayang, mimpi indah ya, mmmuach.
6 bulan: tolong matikan lampu tu, silau ah.
6 tahun : Sana sikit lah... tido kalau tak mengepit tak bole eh???!

Pakai Toilet:

6 minggu: tak apa, u dulu aje lah, i tak buru2 .
6 bulan: masih lama tak nih?
6 tahun: brug! brug! brug! (suara pintu digegar), kalau nak bertapa pilah gunung ledang sana!!

Balas SMS:

6 minggu: iye sayang, jap lagi i sampai rumah, i beli murtabak kesukaanmu..
6 bulan: trafik jam ah
6 tahun: k..

Dating process:

6 minggu: I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 bulan: Of course I love U.
6 tahun : Iyalah!! kalau i tak cintakan u, buat apa i nikah ngan u??

Pulang Keje:

6 minggu: Honey, i dah balik nih...
6 bulan : I'm BACK!!
6 tahun: Masak apa hari ini??

Hadiah (ulang tahun):

6 minggu : Sayang, i harap u menyukai cincin yang i beli
6 bulan : I beli lukisan, nampak sesuai dengan suasana ruang tengah
6 tahun : Nih duit, u beli sendiri lah apa yg u nak..

Telefon:

6 minggu: Baby, ada yang ingin berbual ngan u di telefon nih
6 bulan : Eh...your call...
6 tahun : WOOIII TELEFON BUNYI TUUUHHH....ANGKAT AH!!!

Masakan:

6 minggu: Wah, tak sangka i, rasa makanan ini begitu lazaattt...!!!
6 bulan: Kita makan apa malam ini??
6 tahun: HAH? LAUK INI LAGI?

Memaafkan:

6 minggu: Sudahlah, tak apa, dah pecah pun, nanti kita beli lagi eh
6 bulan: Hati-hati! Nanti jatuh tuh.
6 tahun: Orang dah bilang berkali2 pon tak paham!!

Baju baru:

6 minggu: Aduh sayang, u seperti bidadari dengan pakaian itu
6 bulan: Lah.. beli baju baru lagi?
6 tahun: DAH BERAPA RIBU HABIS BELI BAJU TU???

Merancangkan Holiday:

6 minggu: Macam mana kalau kita jalan-jalan ke Amerika atau ke tempat yg u nak honey?
6 bulan: Kita ke Bukit Bintang aje ler ....senang sikit tak perlu naik flight...
6 tahun: JALAN-JALAN??? DUDUK RUMAH AJE TAK BOLEH EH? BUANG DUIT JE!

TV:

6 minggu: Baby, apa yg kita nak tonton malam ini ?
6 bulan : Sekejap eh, citer bagus ah.
6 tahun: JANGAN TUKAR2 BOLE

Mat Glamour dan Jali Bunga Tanjung - Budu

Upgrading Part 2

INSTALLING A HUSBAND.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

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Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to Download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support.

Dewa - Pupus

Cokelat - Segitiga

Management Course

Subject: 2 minute Management Course

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied he bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there long.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course

Kris - Tiara

Damasutra - Umpama Mimpi Dalam Mimpi

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 7

Pada satu malam, ada pasangan yg agak berumur sedang makan malam dengan romantiknya bagi menyambut ulangtahun perkahwinan mereka yg ke 50 tahun. Suaminya, seorang Tan Sri dan bekas ahli politik mula bercerita tentang nostalgia mereka suami isteri, sekian lama hidup bersama, suka duka, susah dan senang. Si suami memang menyanjung isterinya, bernama Maria.

"Maria, selama kita kahwin ni, suka duka kita lalui, susah senang kita tempuh, abang amat menyanyang Maria, tapi ada satu perkara yg asyik bermain-main di benak abang ni dan abang selalu bertanya-tanya. Berterus-teranglah dgn abang pada malam ni, pernah tak Maria curang dgn abang selama ni?

Maria agak terkedu sekejap dan merenung panjang muka suaminya itu, lalu berkata dengan penuh kekesalan, "Ya abang, Maria mengaku pernah curang dgn abang, tapi hanya 3 kali sahaja selama ni" "3 kali?"

Tan Sri tu agak terkejut, tapi tak la marah, dah tua dah dan memang berniat utk memaafkan isterinya, "Bagaimana boleh terjadi 3 kali tu Maria?

Perlahan jer la isteri dia mula membuka lebaran cerita lama, "Abang ingatkan masa kita mula-mula kawin, terus beli rumah dan selang beberapa tahun, kita susah sangat masa tu hingga rumah kita hampir nak dirampas oleh bank"

"Ya, abang ingat peristiwa tu" jawab si suami.

Si isteri menyambung cerita, "Abang pasti ingat yg pada satu petang tu Maria pergi jumpa pegawai bank tu dan esoknya, bank tu tak jadi rampas rumah kita, malah bagi tambahan pinjaman utk abang mulakan perniagaan.."

"Emmmm.. sukar buat abang menerima kenyataan ini, tapi abang maafkan Maria kerana apa yg maria buat tu untuk masa depan kita jugak", kata si suami" Kali ke 2 pulak?"

"Abang ingat tak, abang hampir menemui maut sebab ketumbuhan dalam otak pembedahan?" si isteri menyambung cerita

"Ya, abang ingat" jawab si suami .

"Kalau macam tu, abang pasti ingat yg Maria ada pergi jumpa doctor pakar tu dan esoknya, dia setuju buat pembedahan utk abang tanpa bayaran apa-apa pun.."

"Oh Maria, walau perit hati ini mendengarkan, tapi abang tetap maafkan Maria sebab apa yg maria buat tu untuk masa depan kita jugak dan kerana sayangkan abang jugak.. yang kali ke 3 macam mana pulak? ", kata si Tan Sri.

Si isteri menundukkan mukanya dan menjawab penuh lemah, "Abang, ingat tak masa abang bertanding merebut kerusi bahagian dan abang perlukan 248 undi lagi..."

Tan Sri pengsan kat situ jugak....

Badang Kelantan

Jokes Part 11

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!' 'I know,' said Herman, 'But, It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them.

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

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Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.

Mega - Sekuntum Bunga Sakura Di Gurun Sahara

May - Sendiri

Bapa Siapa Paling Handal?

Di padang sebuah sekolah, nun jauh di sudut kanan, ternampaklah tiga budak sedang bersembang. Mari kita amati dan teliti apa yang mereka sembangkan...

Budak A "Bapak aku jadi ahli sukan, bapak hangpa kerja apa "

Budak B dan Budak C menjawab "Bapak kami pun ahli sukan jugak".

Maka semua bapak mereka adalah ahli sukan....

Budak A meneruskan cerita.." Bapak aku jadi perejam lembing, punyalah cepat dia berlari sehinggakan setelah lembing direjam, bapak aku berlari dan menangkap lembing tersebut sebelum lembing itu jatuh ketanah "

" Itu tak heran " kata Budak B " Bapak aku lagi tangkas, bapak aku masuk sukan menembak. Punyalah cepat dia berlari sehinggakan selepas peluru keluar daripada pistol, bapak aku sempat berlari dan menangkap peluru tersebut"

"Mari kita dengar cerita bapak aku pulak, aku rasa bapak aku yang paling cepat dalam bab lari ini" kata Budak C. " Bapak aku kerja di Alor Setar tapi tinggal di Sungai Petani. Bila pejabat tutup pukul 4.15 petang, pukul 3.50 petang bapak aku dah ada di rumah. Bayangkan betapa cepatnya pak aku berlari. "

Peterpan - Mungkin Nanti

Upgrading

Dear Tech Support:

Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend-1 to Wife-1. I soon noticed that the new program began an unexpected child processing, which took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife-1 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, here it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight and Beerbash no longer run; the system crashes whenever those programs are opened. I cannot seem to purge Wife-1 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend-1, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Sincerely,

Confused

----REPLY---

Dear Confused:

This is a very common problem that many men complain about, but the confusion is mostly due to a foundational misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend-1 to Wife-1 with the idea that Wife-1 is merely a utilities & entertainment program.

Actually, Wife-1 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend-1 because Wife-1 is not designed to do this. Some men have tried to install Girlfriend-2 or Wife-2, but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under "Warning: Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife-1 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife-1 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action is to push the apologize button, then the reset button, as soon as lockup occurs. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife-1 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Sincerely,

Tech Support

Gersang - Masih Aku Terasa

Peminat Setia Mawi

Satu hari seorang pengawal membuat rondaan di setiap bilik orang sakit mental, dalam rondaannya dia terdengar nyanyian yang merdu walupun tak bunyi macam suara Mawi tapi suaranya memang hebat dengan suaranya yang tersendiri mengalunkan lagu Intifada.

Kata pengawal itu dalam hatinya,"tak sangka ada juga orang yang sakit mental ni boleh menyanyi dengan hebat. Ingatkan radio atau kaset yang dipasang oleh pengawal yang lain." sambil melihat dari luar pesakit tu menyanyi sambil terlentang di atas katilnya. Pengawal terus melalui bilik itu dan berjalan terus untuk meronda ke bilik2 pesakit yang lain.

Setelah selesai pengawal berpatah balik. Apabila sampai ke bilik pesakit mental yang menyanyi tadi ia masih menyanyi tetapi kali ini lagu Aduh Saliha pulak. Dia menyanyikannya memang hebat, bagus sekali tone suaranya , cuma dia sakit mental aje kalau tak boleh buat album....tapi kali ini dia menyanyikan lagu Aduh Saliha tu dalam keadaan meniarap, lagu Intifada yang mula2 tadi terlentang?

Pengawal tu hairan dan bertanya pada pesakit mental tu... "kenapa kamu menyanyi meniarap? tadi terlentang?"

Jawab pesakit mental tu..... "Tadi SIDE A...ini SIDE B lah pulak...."

Pengawal tu pun beredar dari situ dan berkata dalam hatinya.."betul jugak" heeeeheeee....

Bumiputera Rockers - Aku Hanya Serangga...

Jokes Part 10

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself.

Then he understood why...The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :-

" Psycho-the-rapist"

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After enlisting in the Air Force, one young man eagerly asked the Recruiter what he could expect from Paratrooper school.

"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

"What else," the man asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," the recruiter said.

"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" the man asked.

"The third week, the fools jump." said the Recruiter.

Ella Kelate

Lawak Loghat

Abu nih org Trengganu, manakala Amer ni org Kedah. Tinggal satu bilik..katil double decker.. Amer kat atas.. Abu kat bawah. Amer ni suker baca majalah dan komik.. si Abu lak suka pinjam.. belinya tidak. So, Amer ader sedikit bengang ler kat Abu ni. Kekadang.. majalah yg baru beli dan tak sempat nak baca lagi pun Abu dah kebas baca dulu.. bila kasi balik dah lasam dah.. tension Amer.

One day, Amer balik dari outing dan beli majalah UJANG. Siap cover tak kasi Abu ni nampak. Lepas basuh baju, kemas sedikit sebanyak dan siapkan homework.. dia pun nak rilek ler kat atas katil. Majalah UJANG bawah tilam pun dia bawa keluar. Elok jer dia baring.. baru buka mukasurat pertama..

Abu kat bawah dia bersuara.. " Amer.. nok ujang.."

"Nanti la jap.. aku baru jer nak baca.." jawab lembut jer Amer.

"Ameer.. nok ujang tu" Abu tak putus asa.

" Nanti la dulu.. bagi la aku baca dulu.. nanti abih aku bagi kat hang laa!" panas sikit Amer.

"Amer ! Nok ujang !! " Suara Abu sedikit keras.

"Hang ni dah melampau.. kalau nak beli sendiri la.. apa.. hang ingat aku beli UJANG ni dengan duit bapak hang ka??" Amer dah naik angin.. siap turun dari katil dia dah.

"Laaa.. aku kata tu.. haghi nok ujang tu.. mung basuh kaing.. kekgi basoh.." kecut jer Abu jawab..

Drummmmmm.. hujan pun turun dgn lebat.. Baju Amer kat ampaian pun basah kembali.

************************************************************************************

Satu keluarga yang berasal dari Terengganu nak balik beraya di kampung, tapi cuma ada sebuah Kancil je untuk tujuh orang ahli keluarga tersebut. Maka si ibu kepada keluaga tersebut pun berkata,

Ibu: Guane nih..penuh kete. Dok muak ayoh mu wey!

Ayah: Betul jugok. Guane nok buak nih? Lamo dok sapa kampong.

Ibu: Tujuh oghang dokleh sumbak masuk kete kancil nih. kecik do'oh.

Mereka pun memerah otak memikirkan macam mana nak menyelesaikan masalah tersebut. Ruang terlalu sempit untuk tujuh orang, tiba-tiba anak mereka yang paling kecil berkata...

Anak: Abah, umi... Awang tau doh guane nok buak. Kite skarang ade tujuh oghang. Tamboh la soghang lagi. baru jadik 'LAPANG'...!!!

************************************************************************************

Seorang pak cik tua yang baru saja lulus lesen menunggang motosikal. Jadi, mengikut undang-undang, stiker berhuruf "P" hendaklah digantung pada motosikal sekiranya seseorang baru dapat lesen motor. Pak cik tu tunggang motosikal. Adala police road block ...

Polis : "P" mana pakcik?

Pak Cik : P Aloq Staq (loghat Kedah).

Polis : Pak cik nak bergurau pulak. "P" mana pak cik?

Pak Cik : Aku nak p Aloq Staq. (Dah mula naik anging).

Polis : Amboi, main-main pulak pakcik (tersengih). Pak Cik, "P" mana?

Pak Cik : Aku habaq Aloq Staq hangpa tak percaya. Apa hang ingat aku tak tau ka jalan ni nak pi aloq staq. Hangpa jadi polis pun hangpa jangan nak perleceh aku tau (marah).

Polis : Pi pi pi pi lah ... nyusah aje

Pak Cik : kan mudah camtu ...

Dialog Ayah dan Anak

Ayah dan anak yang sporting!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha

Jokes Part 9

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way... One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered. "How?" asked the second worker. Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down. Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing. "I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant. "I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?" "Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left. The second worker was hot on his heels. "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked. "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

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An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "Keep tightly closed."

**********************************************************************************

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse.One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold."About $4,500," said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job security!"

Life Without Research is....

Ayam

Ceritanya berkisar di sebuah ladang penternakan ayam yang terletak di Gunung Semanggul. Disana ada 5 ayam betina dan seekor ayam jalak (kira ayam jantan macholah) yang umurnya sudah lanjut dimamah masa (cewah-cewah macam dalam novel percintaan lak).

Karena merasa bahwa ayam jalak yang sudah tua tadi sudah melewati masa suburnya, si pemilik ladang tersebut memutuskan untuk membeli seekor ayam jalak lagi yang masih muda, tampan, segak, macho dan yang sewaktu dengannya. Dengan secara tidak sengaja hal ini membuatkan si ayam jalak tua menjadi merasa tersaing. Lalu bibit2 cemburu dan hasat dengki menguasai dirinya, mulalah dia mengatur strategi. Lalu terjadi percakapan seperti ini :

Si ayam jalak tua : Eh, kamu jangan serakah sgt kat sini. Ayam betinanya kan ada 25. Kamu boleh ambil yang 15, bakinya bagi aku.

Si ayam jalak muda: Banyak hensem ko punya muka, tua tak sedarkan diri. Hang tu dah tua dah tak larat dah so semua untuk aku sahaja.

Si ayam jalak tua : Eh a...berlagak tul mamat seekor ni (jalak tua bercakap dalam hati jer). Seper kata aku tua tak larat lagi, ko jgn pandang rendah pada aku, kang aku sekeh kang... O.klah, aku maleh nak gaduh ngan budak hingusan cam ko ni (jalak tua, menunjukkan eksennyer) so apa kata kalau kita pertontonkan kemanchoan kita ngan mengadakan satu pertandingan. Siapa yang menang boleh ambil semua ayam betina yang ada kat sini ayam ini. Yang kalah kirim salam.

Si ayam jalak muda: Aku.. aku boleh sahaja, pantang dicabar ni. Kita nak buat pertandingan apa ni... cabut bulu ayam ker (jalak muda membuat lawak loya beruk yer)

Si ayam jalak tua : Dak'ah! Senang jer pertandingan lumba lari. Sambil tersenyum kambing.

Si ayam jalak muda:Set

Si ayam jalak tua : Lumbanya 400M. tapi karena aku sudah tua, aku minta untuk lari dulu di depanmu 50 meter.

Si ayam jalak muda: Boleh (dengan penuh keyakinan).

Maka pertandingan pun dimulai. Ayam jalak tua lari dulu 50 meter baru ayam jalak yang muda lari menyusul dengan kecepatan kuasa extra gaban yang mengkagumkan.

Eh, baru kurang 1 meter menyusul, si ayam jalak muda ditembak langsung oleh pemilik peternakan. Kenapa?????

Kata Pemilik : "Kurang ajar. INI AYAM JALAK-HOMOSEKS NI. Asal setiap kali aku beli dapat yang macam ni SUKA SANGAT KEJAR-KEJAR AYAM JALAK TUA AKU"

NILAI MORAL : Jgn berlagak ngan org tua (depa banyak trick nyer,) HORMATILAH ORANG YANG LEBIH TUA DARI KITA... 

Coket Mok Bolot

kito nikoh lepah ghayo!

A Joke for Golfers

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course "

I'm in Stage One

Short Story

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:

The short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

Dikir Frog (Crazy Frog)

Numbers in English

Even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 goodness he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1?

Friends...

Kaki

Suatu hari di Fakulti Sains sebuah Universiti Tempatan..sedang berlangsung ujian berkaitan serangga.. Ujian kali ini sungguh susah... Mahasiswa mesti mampu menentukan jenis dan nama serangga dari potongan-potongan kaki yang diberikan oleh Pensyarah...

Dua jam sudah berlalu. Tidak ada seorangpun pun yang boleh menjawab soalan ujian.. Seorang mahasiswa yang amat kecewa.. memutuskan untuk keluar Dewan Ujian... dia menghempas daun pintu dengan kuat... "Dummmm!!!!"

Melihat keadaan itu... pensyarah di dalam dewan marah dengan berkata.. "Hey! suka hati mak bapak hang je hempas pintu tu ye?! Siapa nama kau !!!" Mahasiswa yang sudah terlanjur berada di luar segera menjulurkan kakinya ke pintu sambil berkata...

"Nie kaki saya... encik... Cuba encik teka.. siapa nama saya?"

Katak (Crazy Frog)

another creative song by a kelantanese

Jokes Part 8

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

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TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America .
PAPPU : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : PAPPU!

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TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

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TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...
TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

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TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, But also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish Him?"
PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

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PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt ?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

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TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !

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TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher

Karaoke Otromen Kelate

Jom nyanyi ramai2 weh!

Akad Nikah di Siam

Lama tak gelak keluar air mata! Thanks to Wan Azman for the video.

Australian Girl

A girl went to Australia for her Master degree on August, 2003. Her parent, among others, sent her at the KLIA airport. She asked her dad,"Dad, I'm not sure if I'll be back for Raya this December (she didn't). But if I do,what would u like me to bring for you?" Her dad answered,"Why, an Australian girl, of course!". Others just laugh while her mum smilingly pinched her husband on his cheek. The daughter just smiles as she waves goodbye.

A week later, she phoned her dad, and have a bubbly conversation with him. He then asked,"so have you look for my present?" "What present?" she asked back. "The one I asked for-the Australian girl!", her dad answered, laughingly.

The daughter said,"Oh,that-Well, I did what I could. It definitely is an Australian. But we have to wait for a few months to see if it's a girl or not!" It tooks her an hour later to convince him not to take the next day's flight to Sydney, and that she was just joking with him.

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 6

Suatu petang di sebuah 'supermarket' .... Seorang lelaki muda tengah berjalan di bahagian barang-barang dapur apabila dia terperasan seorang perempuan tua yang tengah memandangnya dengan mata yang tak berkelip-kelip. Lelaki muda itu pun terasa pelik.. dia terus berjalan ke bahagian buah-buahan tapi dari ekor matanya dia perasan lagi yang perempuan tua tu masih juga memandang dan mengekorinya. Last-last lelaki tu pun buat dek jer,sebab dia ingat dia yang perasan. Lepas mengambil dua tin sardin dan lima biji epal, lelaki muda tu pun berjalan menuju ke kaunter untuk membayar barang-barangnya tetapi di pertengahan jalan perempuan tua tadi tuh cepat-cepat memintas dan berdiri di depannya. "maafkan makcik nak!!" kata perempuan itu. "Makcik minta maaf bebanyak kiranya anak tak selesa dengan pandangan makcik tadi. Makcik bukannya apa, cuma wajah anak ni serupa macam arwah anak makcik yang
meninggal bulan lepas" Mendengarkan kata-kata perempuan tua itu barulah dia faham kenapa perempuan itu asyik aje
memandangnya.

Oh, begitu ke ceritanya makcik? maaflah saya tak tahu. Ada apa-apa yang boleh saya bantu?" tanya lelaki muda itu. "Aaaa.... mak cik ada satu permintaan kecil kalau anak tak keberatan" kata perempuan itu. "... bila makcik dah nak jalan keluar boleh tak anak lambai dan cakap 'babai... mak!!'? Terubat betul rindu makcik jika anak dapat tolong sebab arwah anak makcik selalu buat macam tuh pada makcik".

Oh boleh... takde masalah" kata lelaki muda tu. Setelah cashier memasukkkan semua barang-barangnya ke dalam plastik, perempuan tua itu pun berjalan keluar dan melambai tangannya ke arah lelaki muda itu. Lelaki muda itu pun melambaikan tangannya kembali dan melaung "Babai,mak!! !!". Setelah memerhatikan perempuan tua itu hilang dari pandangan dengan hati yang kesian, lelaki itu pun bergerak ke cashier untuk membayar barang-barangnya. "Jumlah
semuanya RM130.70 ye encik," kata cashier supermarket tuh. Terkejut lelaki tu mendengar kata-kata cashier tuh."Eh, kenapa mahal sangat ni cik, saya beli barang sikit jer macamana pulak sampai seratus lebih ni?" tanya lelaki itu. "Habis tuh mak awak kata awak nak bayarkan untuk dia sekali!" kata cashier tuh.

Haah????? ??!!!!".. ..

Facts about Software Guys

Project Manager:- is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer:- Is a Person who thinks a single women cannot deliver a baby in nine months.

Onsite Coordinator:- Is one who thinks single women can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client:- Is one who knows that it takes a man, a women & nine months to deliver a baby. But expects otherwise.

Marketing Manager:- Is a Person who thinks I can deliver a child whether a man and women is available or not.

Resource optimization team:- Thinks I don’t want man or women. I’ll still produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation team:- Will think I don’t care how a child is delivered. I’ll just document 9 months.

QA Auditor:- This is the only person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce baby.

No wonder our perception of beauty is distorted

If Only....

Master of ....

Master of Accountancy - Nanyang Technological University - 2002 - with President of Singapore, S. R. Nathan
Master of Research in Accounting & Financial Management - Lancaster University - 2006 - with Lancaster University Pro-Chancellor, B. M. Gray

Next one is definitely a Master of Jedi from Star Wars University

Had my first meeting with two of my PhD supervisors today, right after the degree ceremony. The hard work starts now....erkkk

Megat Nordin - Ambo Ghaso Bekene

Greatest Love Song Ever (in certain household at least). Thanks to Arep for the video.

Karangan Sejarah

Another joke from an e-mail

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.


In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 7

Seorang mamat yg memang gemuk masuk ke sebuah fitness center dgn niat utk menguruskan badan. Seorang lelaki di kaunter bertanya kepada mamat tadi, "Kami menawarkan 2 program di sini... RM50 utk versi 'Biasa' dan RM100 utk versi 'Cepat'... "Saya ingat nak ambil yg biasa punya sebab saya baru je nak try kuruskan badan", kata mamat tadi. "OK. Encik sila masuk ke bilik NO.5 di penjuru bilik sana", jawap lelaki penjaga kaunter.

Mamat tadi pun masuk laa ke bilik yg disuruh lalu menutup pintunya. Selang 2 minit kemudian, datang laa seorang perempuan yg mmg lawa, cantik, body best, mantap dan segalanya. Dia kemudian menanggalkan kesemua pakaian sehinggakan mamat tadi dah x senang duduk dan berpeluh2. Perempuan tadi berkata dgn manja dan menggoda, "Kalau tuan dapat kejar saya, tuan bole buat aaaaapa saja dgn saya... hik hik hik" dan dia terus berlari di dalam bilik itu. Mamat tadi pun kejar punya kejar, sampai 10 minit, pun x dapat2 jugak. Dia try lagi sampai akhirnya, dia jatuh terjelepuk ke lantai... pengsan. Apabila dia sedar, dia terus ke penimbang dan mendapati beran badannya telah turun 3kg. "Wow! Mmg berbaloi aku bayar RM50... mmg senang rupanya nak kuruskan badan", katanya sendirian.

Esoknya, dia datang lagi ke situ dan terus ditegur oleh lelaki di kaunter. Setelah diberitahu program2 seperti semalam jugak, dia bersetuju untuk try versi 'Cepat'. "OK. Encik sila masuk ke bilik NO.6 di penjuru bilik sana", jawap lelaki penjaga kaunter. Setelah beberapa minit di dalam bilik itu, datanglah seorang body-builder yang tough dan terus melondehkan pakaiannya. Body-builder itu berkata, "Saya akan kejar kamu dlm bilik ini dan kalau saya dapat.... hehehe

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Mamat kesian betul tengok Boboy. Tension dari pagi sampai malam. Mamat pun tanyalah kawan baiknya itu.
Mamat : Apahal kau ni, tension je aku tengok?
Boboy : Hubungan aku dengan Ira dah putus.
Mamat : Putus? Kenapa?
Boboy : Materialistik sangatlah dia tu.
Mamat : Ler.. Apa susah.. ko ceritalah yang kau ni anak Tan Sri, Banglo 4 tingkat, BMW 3 buah. Boboy : Aku dah bagi tau tu.. Tapi lepas tu, dia jatuh cinta kat bapak aku pulak!!

Winner vs Loser

The winner is always a part of the answer. The loser is always a part of the problem.

The winner always has a program. The loser always has an excuse.

The winner says, "Let me do it for you." The loser says, That's not my job."

The winner sees an answer for problems. The loser sees a problem in every answer.

The winner sees a green near every sand trap. The loser sees two or three sand traps near every green.

The winner says, "It may be difficult but it's possible." The loser says, 'It may be possible, but it's too difficult."


*received it in my e-mail today*

ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Save the whales... Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

*received in my e-mail today*

Jokes Part 7

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why she asks such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "A Coconut."
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum."
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Who am I??
Harry: "A Tent."
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." What am I??
(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "A Wedding Ring."
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." What am I??
Harry: "A Nose."
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." What am I??
Harry: "An Arrow."
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his butt in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

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The Difference Between Focusing on Problems, and Focusing on Solutions:
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity. (Ink won't flow down to the writing surface) In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars.They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians used a pencil...

Husband of the Year Award

Third place goes to...
Second place goes to...

and the Winner is......

Video Blog

I could not imagine myself doing a video blog to express myself, salute to those who had a courage to do so. And this is my favorite video blog site so far, http://ummahfilms.blogspot.com Just go to the June-August postings and watch his Video Blog Part 1-10. Deep meaning but entertaining. Enjoy!

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 6

3 ekor vampire (langsuyar) tinggal di belantara jauh dari kampung manusia. Terasa sangat lapar hendak hisap darah. Vampire pertama pun berkata..."aku boleh terbang laju dan hisap darah manusia sekejap aje". Dia terus terbang pergi dan sejam kemudian dia pulang dengan mulut berlumuran darah. Vampire kedua pulak menyahut cabaran dan terus terbang. 30 minit kemudian dia pulak pulang dengan mulut dan bajunya berlumuran darah..muka kelihatan puas kenyang! Vampire ketiga tak mahu kalah, pun berkata "...ek eleh, aku boleh buat lebih baik lagi.....aku boleh!". Dia terus terbang pergi.Terperanjat kekawannya bila Vampire-3 pulang kurang dari seminit dengan mulut dan bajunya berlumuran darah! Vampire satu dan dua pun memuji..."woow lajunya kau terbang dan hisap darah". Vampire-3 menggaru kepala sambil menjawab ".....aku terbang terlanggar pokok tadi...."

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Salah sebuah katil di dalam bilik ICU sebuah hospital ternama kerap mengalami kejadian pelik.. Setiap pesakit yang ditempatkan disitu pasti akan meninggal pada setiap hari Jumaat pagi tanpa mengira umur, jantina atau tahap kesihatan mereka Perkara ini sangat membingungkan para doktor... Lalu para doktor memutuskan untuk memantau katil tersebut... Apabila tiba hari Jumaat yang berikutnya...beberapa doktor bersiap sedia untuk mengenalpasti penyebab kepada kematian di katil tersebut yang mana pada ketika seorang pesakit lelaki muda sedang tidur... Beberapa doktor memegang Yassin dan Quran sebagai persiapan menghalau makhluk halus.. Masa berputar... pukul 08:00am..08:30am sehingga jam 9.00 am... tiba-tiba...... Pintu bilik ICU itu terbuka....Kemudian masuklah Makcik Bedah.... Seorang pekerja sambilan sebagai pencuci yang hanya bertugas setiap hari jumaat.. Masuk... mendekati katil keramat tersebut... dan terus mencabut.... soket elektrik untuk alat pernafasan bantuan agar dapat menghidupkan.. vacuum cleanernya...

In Your Face

Terdidik kerana sebiji tembikai

Pada suatu hari, seorang ahli sufi yang masyhur bernama Syaqiq Al-Balkhir telah membeli sebiji tembikai. Kemudian dia membawa tembikai itu pulang dan diberikan kepada isterinya. Apabila isterinya membelah tembikai itu untuk dimakan, ternyata buah tembikai itu tidak elok, maka marah-marahlah isteri Syaqiq dengan keadaan tersebut.

Maka bertanyalah Syaqiq kepada isterinya: "Kepada siapa engkau tujukan marahmu itu, adakah kepada penjual, pembeli, penanam atau Pencipta buah tembikai itu?." Terdiam isterinya mendengar pertanyaan tersebut.

Kemudian Syaqiq teruskan lagi kata-katanya:"Adapun si penjual, sudah tentu mahu jualannya terdiri daripada barangan yang terbaik. Adapun si pembeli juga sudah tentu mahu membeli barang yang terbaik juga. Bahkan si penanam juga sudah tentu berharap hasil tanamannya yang terbaik juga. Maka ternyatalah marahmu ini engkau tujukan kepada Pencipta buah tembikai ini. Maka bertaqwalah engkau kepada Allah dan redhalah dengan segala ketentuan-Nya."

Maka menangislah isteri Syaqiq. Lalu bertaubat dan iapun redhalah dengan apa yang telah ditentukan oleh Allah SWT.

*petikan daripada tranungkite.net*

Boleh teka kot kereta siapa?

Sikat sampai mampus!

Today I participated in the Lancaster University Inter-College Badminton tournament. There are 7 of us representing Graduate College, myself, Ken Lee (from Malaysia too), Devin (from China), Siva (from Sri Lanka), Rana (a girl from North Cyprus), Eddie (a girl from Hong Kong) and Jenny (from China I think). All of us are postgraduate students, competing against the younger undergraduate students. The format is one men double, one ladies double and one mixed double.

We won all three group matches against Bowland College (3-0), Pendle College (2-1) and County College (3-0). I partnered with Ken for men double and we won comfortably against Bowland (15:1, 15:5) and Pendle (15:4, 15:9). There were two university players playing for County and we won in a rubber set (15:4, 8:15, 15:9). In the semi final we won easily against Fylde college (2-0) and Ken and I also won easily (15:8, 15:4).

At that time I already played 9 sets throughout the morning. Last year winner, Lonsdale College only need to play twice in their group matches and now we are facing them again in the final (we were a runners-up last year). They have the strongest men double and university ladies captain also playing for them. First set Ken and I won easily at 15:5 but we were quickly overwhelmed in the second set when we lost 2:15. At that time they are changing their tactic by keeping pressure on us through lots of smashing shots. I noticed that our ladies already finished their game but I didn't know their result. In the third set we were leading 14:8 when something strange is happening, we just couldn't finish the game. And they took the opportunity to gather point by point until they manage to draw level and then leading at 16:14! We try everything we could but eventually they managed to seal the game at 17:14. What a match, albeit a strange one.

Maulana (another postgrad from Indonesia) is supposed to play with us but he broke his leg last Friday. I messaged his mobile phone after the game informing the results. He messaged back "..kalau begitu kita sikat mereka taun depan! sampai mampusss!!!" sounds funny, turned out that what he meant is to 'knock them out'. Otherwise might as well bring a hair stylist with us so that we can comb their hair to their death!

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 5

Ada seorang pesakit jiwa yang telah menerima rawatan bertahun-tahun dan mula menunjukan perubahan yang menggalakkan. Doktor pun yakin dia boleh dibenarkan pulang dan tak perlu tinggal di rumah sakit jiwa lagi. Tetapi seperti biasa pesakit perlu menjalani ujian terakhir. Di dalam bilik temuduga.
Doktor " Adakah anda berasa sihat?"
Pesakit " Ya doktor. Terima kasih kerana bertanya"
Doktor " Saya ada lampu suluh di tangan saya, kalau saya suluh cahaya ke atas siling, boleh tak awak panjat sampai ke atas dengan memegang cahaya yang tegak?"
Pesakit "Tak boleh doktor"
Doktor "Bagus awak lulus, memang awak dah sihat.........tapi kenapa tak boleh?"
Pesakit, dengan nada marah "Doktor ni Gila ke?!! Kalau saya panjat kemudian separuh jalan doktor padam lampu, jatuh lah saya!"

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Salman (bukan nama betul) pulang dari kerja satu petang dan terdengar suara isterinya dalam bilik mengerang. Dia berlari naik ke bilik dan melihat isterinya terlantar di katil berpeluh tanpa pakaian. "Kenapa ni sayang?" tanya Salman. "I diserang sakit jantung", jawab isterinya. Salman berlari ke bawah untuk menalipon doktor tapi belum sempat dia talipon, anaknya yang berumur 5 tahun berlari datang dan berkata, "Papa, acik Lan ada bawah katil ayah tak pakai suar." Salman mula naik angin dan naik semula ke biliknya. Memang betul Roslan(pun bukan nama betul) jiran mereka ada di bawah katil tanpa pakaian.Salman menarik Roslan keluar dan berkata, "Lahanat kau Lan, isteri aku kena sakit jantung. Kau pula cuba menakutkan anak aku ye?"

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Seorang lelaki menalipon hospital untuk memberitahu yang isterinya nak bersalin. Dan jururawat hospital menjawab talipon lelaki tersebut. Lelaki: "Hello... tolong saya sebab isteri saya nak bersalin!" Jururawat: "Sila bertenang... ini anaknya yang pertama ke?" Lelaki: "Apa la punya bangang... ni laki dia la!" Jururawat: "Erkkk..."

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Seorang wanita muda telah ter'bersalin' di dalam sebuah lif. Dier pun malu macam nak giler dan tak mahu kuar dari lif itu. Pihak pengurusan bangunan pun memanggil polis, bomba dan psychologist untuk pujuk dier keluar. Psychologist tu pun cakap ler, "Cik... keluar lah... aper nak dimalukan... perkara biase jer nih." Wanita muda yang terbersalin itu pun menjawab, "Tak mau, tak mau, saya malu." Psychologist itu menambah, "Alah cik...tahun lepas saya ader 1 kes lagi teruk... pompuan tu beranak dalam longkang!!" Mendengarkan kata-kata Psychologist tu jer, wanita muda tu terus meraung bagai nak giler lalu berkata, "Yang tu pun saya gak, uhwaaa..!!!"