Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha

Jokes Part 9

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way... One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered. "How?" asked the second worker. Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down. Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing. "I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant. "I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?" "Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left. The second worker was hot on his heels. "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked. "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

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An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "Keep tightly closed."

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After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse.One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold."About $4,500," said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job security!"

Life Without Research is....

Ayam

Ceritanya berkisar di sebuah ladang penternakan ayam yang terletak di Gunung Semanggul. Disana ada 5 ayam betina dan seekor ayam jalak (kira ayam jantan macholah) yang umurnya sudah lanjut dimamah masa (cewah-cewah macam dalam novel percintaan lak).

Karena merasa bahwa ayam jalak yang sudah tua tadi sudah melewati masa suburnya, si pemilik ladang tersebut memutuskan untuk membeli seekor ayam jalak lagi yang masih muda, tampan, segak, macho dan yang sewaktu dengannya. Dengan secara tidak sengaja hal ini membuatkan si ayam jalak tua menjadi merasa tersaing. Lalu bibit2 cemburu dan hasat dengki menguasai dirinya, mulalah dia mengatur strategi. Lalu terjadi percakapan seperti ini :

Si ayam jalak tua : Eh, kamu jangan serakah sgt kat sini. Ayam betinanya kan ada 25. Kamu boleh ambil yang 15, bakinya bagi aku.

Si ayam jalak muda: Banyak hensem ko punya muka, tua tak sedarkan diri. Hang tu dah tua dah tak larat dah so semua untuk aku sahaja.

Si ayam jalak tua : Eh a...berlagak tul mamat seekor ni (jalak tua bercakap dalam hati jer). Seper kata aku tua tak larat lagi, ko jgn pandang rendah pada aku, kang aku sekeh kang... O.klah, aku maleh nak gaduh ngan budak hingusan cam ko ni (jalak tua, menunjukkan eksennyer) so apa kata kalau kita pertontonkan kemanchoan kita ngan mengadakan satu pertandingan. Siapa yang menang boleh ambil semua ayam betina yang ada kat sini ayam ini. Yang kalah kirim salam.

Si ayam jalak muda: Aku.. aku boleh sahaja, pantang dicabar ni. Kita nak buat pertandingan apa ni... cabut bulu ayam ker (jalak muda membuat lawak loya beruk yer)

Si ayam jalak tua : Dak'ah! Senang jer pertandingan lumba lari. Sambil tersenyum kambing.

Si ayam jalak muda:Set

Si ayam jalak tua : Lumbanya 400M. tapi karena aku sudah tua, aku minta untuk lari dulu di depanmu 50 meter.

Si ayam jalak muda: Boleh (dengan penuh keyakinan).

Maka pertandingan pun dimulai. Ayam jalak tua lari dulu 50 meter baru ayam jalak yang muda lari menyusul dengan kecepatan kuasa extra gaban yang mengkagumkan.

Eh, baru kurang 1 meter menyusul, si ayam jalak muda ditembak langsung oleh pemilik peternakan. Kenapa?????

Kata Pemilik : "Kurang ajar. INI AYAM JALAK-HOMOSEKS NI. Asal setiap kali aku beli dapat yang macam ni SUKA SANGAT KEJAR-KEJAR AYAM JALAK TUA AKU"

NILAI MORAL : Jgn berlagak ngan org tua (depa banyak trick nyer,) HORMATILAH ORANG YANG LEBIH TUA DARI KITA... 

Coket Mok Bolot

kito nikoh lepah ghayo!

A Joke for Golfers

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course "

I'm in Stage One

Short Story

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:

The short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

Dikir Frog (Crazy Frog)

Numbers in English

Even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 goodness he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1?

Friends...

Kaki

Suatu hari di Fakulti Sains sebuah Universiti Tempatan..sedang berlangsung ujian berkaitan serangga.. Ujian kali ini sungguh susah... Mahasiswa mesti mampu menentukan jenis dan nama serangga dari potongan-potongan kaki yang diberikan oleh Pensyarah...

Dua jam sudah berlalu. Tidak ada seorangpun pun yang boleh menjawab soalan ujian.. Seorang mahasiswa yang amat kecewa.. memutuskan untuk keluar Dewan Ujian... dia menghempas daun pintu dengan kuat... "Dummmm!!!!"

Melihat keadaan itu... pensyarah di dalam dewan marah dengan berkata.. "Hey! suka hati mak bapak hang je hempas pintu tu ye?! Siapa nama kau !!!" Mahasiswa yang sudah terlanjur berada di luar segera menjulurkan kakinya ke pintu sambil berkata...

"Nie kaki saya... encik... Cuba encik teka.. siapa nama saya?"

Katak (Crazy Frog)

another creative song by a kelantanese

Jokes Part 8

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

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TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America .
PAPPU : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : PAPPU!

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TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

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TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...
TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

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TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, But also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish Him?"
PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

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PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt ?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

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TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !

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TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher

Karaoke Otromen Kelate

Jom nyanyi ramai2 weh!

Akad Nikah di Siam

Lama tak gelak keluar air mata! Thanks to Wan Azman for the video.

Australian Girl

A girl went to Australia for her Master degree on August, 2003. Her parent, among others, sent her at the KLIA airport. She asked her dad,"Dad, I'm not sure if I'll be back for Raya this December (she didn't). But if I do,what would u like me to bring for you?" Her dad answered,"Why, an Australian girl, of course!". Others just laugh while her mum smilingly pinched her husband on his cheek. The daughter just smiles as she waves goodbye.

A week later, she phoned her dad, and have a bubbly conversation with him. He then asked,"so have you look for my present?" "What present?" she asked back. "The one I asked for-the Australian girl!", her dad answered, laughingly.

The daughter said,"Oh,that-Well, I did what I could. It definitely is an Australian. But we have to wait for a few months to see if it's a girl or not!" It tooks her an hour later to convince him not to take the next day's flight to Sydney, and that she was just joking with him.

Cerita Kelakar Bahagian 6

Suatu petang di sebuah 'supermarket' .... Seorang lelaki muda tengah berjalan di bahagian barang-barang dapur apabila dia terperasan seorang perempuan tua yang tengah memandangnya dengan mata yang tak berkelip-kelip. Lelaki muda itu pun terasa pelik.. dia terus berjalan ke bahagian buah-buahan tapi dari ekor matanya dia perasan lagi yang perempuan tua tu masih juga memandang dan mengekorinya. Last-last lelaki tu pun buat dek jer,sebab dia ingat dia yang perasan. Lepas mengambil dua tin sardin dan lima biji epal, lelaki muda tu pun berjalan menuju ke kaunter untuk membayar barang-barangnya tetapi di pertengahan jalan perempuan tua tadi tuh cepat-cepat memintas dan berdiri di depannya. "maafkan makcik nak!!" kata perempuan itu. "Makcik minta maaf bebanyak kiranya anak tak selesa dengan pandangan makcik tadi. Makcik bukannya apa, cuma wajah anak ni serupa macam arwah anak makcik yang
meninggal bulan lepas" Mendengarkan kata-kata perempuan tua itu barulah dia faham kenapa perempuan itu asyik aje
memandangnya.

Oh, begitu ke ceritanya makcik? maaflah saya tak tahu. Ada apa-apa yang boleh saya bantu?" tanya lelaki muda itu. "Aaaa.... mak cik ada satu permintaan kecil kalau anak tak keberatan" kata perempuan itu. "... bila makcik dah nak jalan keluar boleh tak anak lambai dan cakap 'babai... mak!!'? Terubat betul rindu makcik jika anak dapat tolong sebab arwah anak makcik selalu buat macam tuh pada makcik".

Oh boleh... takde masalah" kata lelaki muda tu. Setelah cashier memasukkkan semua barang-barangnya ke dalam plastik, perempuan tua itu pun berjalan keluar dan melambai tangannya ke arah lelaki muda itu. Lelaki muda itu pun melambaikan tangannya kembali dan melaung "Babai,mak!! !!". Setelah memerhatikan perempuan tua itu hilang dari pandangan dengan hati yang kesian, lelaki itu pun bergerak ke cashier untuk membayar barang-barangnya. "Jumlah
semuanya RM130.70 ye encik," kata cashier supermarket tuh. Terkejut lelaki tu mendengar kata-kata cashier tuh."Eh, kenapa mahal sangat ni cik, saya beli barang sikit jer macamana pulak sampai seratus lebih ni?" tanya lelaki itu. "Habis tuh mak awak kata awak nak bayarkan untuk dia sekali!" kata cashier tuh.

Haah????? ??!!!!".. ..

Facts about Software Guys

Project Manager:- is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer:- Is a Person who thinks a single women cannot deliver a baby in nine months.

Onsite Coordinator:- Is one who thinks single women can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client:- Is one who knows that it takes a man, a women & nine months to deliver a baby. But expects otherwise.

Marketing Manager:- Is a Person who thinks I can deliver a child whether a man and women is available or not.

Resource optimization team:- Thinks I don’t want man or women. I’ll still produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation team:- Will think I don’t care how a child is delivered. I’ll just document 9 months.

QA Auditor:- This is the only person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce baby.

No wonder our perception of beauty is distorted

If Only....

Master of ....

Master of Accountancy - Nanyang Technological University - 2002 - with President of Singapore, S. R. Nathan
Master of Research in Accounting & Financial Management - Lancaster University - 2006 - with Lancaster University Pro-Chancellor, B. M. Gray

Next one is definitely a Master of Jedi from Star Wars University

Had my first meeting with two of my PhD supervisors today, right after the degree ceremony. The hard work starts now....erkkk

Megat Nordin - Ambo Ghaso Bekene

Greatest Love Song Ever (in certain household at least). Thanks to Arep for the video.

Karangan Sejarah

Another joke from an e-mail

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.


In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 7

Seorang mamat yg memang gemuk masuk ke sebuah fitness center dgn niat utk menguruskan badan. Seorang lelaki di kaunter bertanya kepada mamat tadi, "Kami menawarkan 2 program di sini... RM50 utk versi 'Biasa' dan RM100 utk versi 'Cepat'... "Saya ingat nak ambil yg biasa punya sebab saya baru je nak try kuruskan badan", kata mamat tadi. "OK. Encik sila masuk ke bilik NO.5 di penjuru bilik sana", jawap lelaki penjaga kaunter.

Mamat tadi pun masuk laa ke bilik yg disuruh lalu menutup pintunya. Selang 2 minit kemudian, datang laa seorang perempuan yg mmg lawa, cantik, body best, mantap dan segalanya. Dia kemudian menanggalkan kesemua pakaian sehinggakan mamat tadi dah x senang duduk dan berpeluh2. Perempuan tadi berkata dgn manja dan menggoda, "Kalau tuan dapat kejar saya, tuan bole buat aaaaapa saja dgn saya... hik hik hik" dan dia terus berlari di dalam bilik itu. Mamat tadi pun kejar punya kejar, sampai 10 minit, pun x dapat2 jugak. Dia try lagi sampai akhirnya, dia jatuh terjelepuk ke lantai... pengsan. Apabila dia sedar, dia terus ke penimbang dan mendapati beran badannya telah turun 3kg. "Wow! Mmg berbaloi aku bayar RM50... mmg senang rupanya nak kuruskan badan", katanya sendirian.

Esoknya, dia datang lagi ke situ dan terus ditegur oleh lelaki di kaunter. Setelah diberitahu program2 seperti semalam jugak, dia bersetuju untuk try versi 'Cepat'. "OK. Encik sila masuk ke bilik NO.6 di penjuru bilik sana", jawap lelaki penjaga kaunter. Setelah beberapa minit di dalam bilik itu, datanglah seorang body-builder yang tough dan terus melondehkan pakaiannya. Body-builder itu berkata, "Saya akan kejar kamu dlm bilik ini dan kalau saya dapat.... hehehe

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Mamat kesian betul tengok Boboy. Tension dari pagi sampai malam. Mamat pun tanyalah kawan baiknya itu.
Mamat : Apahal kau ni, tension je aku tengok?
Boboy : Hubungan aku dengan Ira dah putus.
Mamat : Putus? Kenapa?
Boboy : Materialistik sangatlah dia tu.
Mamat : Ler.. Apa susah.. ko ceritalah yang kau ni anak Tan Sri, Banglo 4 tingkat, BMW 3 buah. Boboy : Aku dah bagi tau tu.. Tapi lepas tu, dia jatuh cinta kat bapak aku pulak!!

Winner vs Loser

The winner is always a part of the answer. The loser is always a part of the problem.

The winner always has a program. The loser always has an excuse.

The winner says, "Let me do it for you." The loser says, That's not my job."

The winner sees an answer for problems. The loser sees a problem in every answer.

The winner sees a green near every sand trap. The loser sees two or three sand traps near every green.

The winner says, "It may be difficult but it's possible." The loser says, 'It may be possible, but it's too difficult."


*received it in my e-mail today*

ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Save the whales... Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

*received in my e-mail today*