Jokes Part 7

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why she asks such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "A Coconut."
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum."
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Who am I??
Harry: "A Tent."
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." What am I??
(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "A Wedding Ring."
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." What am I??
Harry: "A Nose."
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." What am I??
Harry: "An Arrow."
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his butt in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

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The Difference Between Focusing on Problems, and Focusing on Solutions:
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity. (Ink won't flow down to the writing surface) In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars.They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians used a pencil...

Husband of the Year Award

Third place goes to...
Second place goes to...

and the Winner is......

Video Blog

I could not imagine myself doing a video blog to express myself, salute to those who had a courage to do so. And this is my favorite video blog site so far, http://ummahfilms.blogspot.com Just go to the June-August postings and watch his Video Blog Part 1-10. Deep meaning but entertaining. Enjoy!

Jokes translated to Malay version Part 6

3 ekor vampire (langsuyar) tinggal di belantara jauh dari kampung manusia. Terasa sangat lapar hendak hisap darah. Vampire pertama pun berkata..."aku boleh terbang laju dan hisap darah manusia sekejap aje". Dia terus terbang pergi dan sejam kemudian dia pulang dengan mulut berlumuran darah. Vampire kedua pulak menyahut cabaran dan terus terbang. 30 minit kemudian dia pulak pulang dengan mulut dan bajunya berlumuran darah..muka kelihatan puas kenyang! Vampire ketiga tak mahu kalah, pun berkata "...ek eleh, aku boleh buat lebih baik lagi.....aku boleh!". Dia terus terbang pergi.Terperanjat kekawannya bila Vampire-3 pulang kurang dari seminit dengan mulut dan bajunya berlumuran darah! Vampire satu dan dua pun memuji..."woow lajunya kau terbang dan hisap darah". Vampire-3 menggaru kepala sambil menjawab ".....aku terbang terlanggar pokok tadi...."

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Salah sebuah katil di dalam bilik ICU sebuah hospital ternama kerap mengalami kejadian pelik.. Setiap pesakit yang ditempatkan disitu pasti akan meninggal pada setiap hari Jumaat pagi tanpa mengira umur, jantina atau tahap kesihatan mereka Perkara ini sangat membingungkan para doktor... Lalu para doktor memutuskan untuk memantau katil tersebut... Apabila tiba hari Jumaat yang berikutnya...beberapa doktor bersiap sedia untuk mengenalpasti penyebab kepada kematian di katil tersebut yang mana pada ketika seorang pesakit lelaki muda sedang tidur... Beberapa doktor memegang Yassin dan Quran sebagai persiapan menghalau makhluk halus.. Masa berputar... pukul 08:00am..08:30am sehingga jam 9.00 am... tiba-tiba...... Pintu bilik ICU itu terbuka....Kemudian masuklah Makcik Bedah.... Seorang pekerja sambilan sebagai pencuci yang hanya bertugas setiap hari jumaat.. Masuk... mendekati katil keramat tersebut... dan terus mencabut.... soket elektrik untuk alat pernafasan bantuan agar dapat menghidupkan.. vacuum cleanernya...

In Your Face

Terdidik kerana sebiji tembikai

Pada suatu hari, seorang ahli sufi yang masyhur bernama Syaqiq Al-Balkhir telah membeli sebiji tembikai. Kemudian dia membawa tembikai itu pulang dan diberikan kepada isterinya. Apabila isterinya membelah tembikai itu untuk dimakan, ternyata buah tembikai itu tidak elok, maka marah-marahlah isteri Syaqiq dengan keadaan tersebut.

Maka bertanyalah Syaqiq kepada isterinya: "Kepada siapa engkau tujukan marahmu itu, adakah kepada penjual, pembeli, penanam atau Pencipta buah tembikai itu?." Terdiam isterinya mendengar pertanyaan tersebut.

Kemudian Syaqiq teruskan lagi kata-katanya:"Adapun si penjual, sudah tentu mahu jualannya terdiri daripada barangan yang terbaik. Adapun si pembeli juga sudah tentu mahu membeli barang yang terbaik juga. Bahkan si penanam juga sudah tentu berharap hasil tanamannya yang terbaik juga. Maka ternyatalah marahmu ini engkau tujukan kepada Pencipta buah tembikai ini. Maka bertaqwalah engkau kepada Allah dan redhalah dengan segala ketentuan-Nya."

Maka menangislah isteri Syaqiq. Lalu bertaubat dan iapun redhalah dengan apa yang telah ditentukan oleh Allah SWT.

*petikan daripada tranungkite.net*

Boleh teka kot kereta siapa?

Sikat sampai mampus!

Today I participated in the Lancaster University Inter-College Badminton tournament. There are 7 of us representing Graduate College, myself, Ken Lee (from Malaysia too), Devin (from China), Siva (from Sri Lanka), Rana (a girl from North Cyprus), Eddie (a girl from Hong Kong) and Jenny (from China I think). All of us are postgraduate students, competing against the younger undergraduate students. The format is one men double, one ladies double and one mixed double.

We won all three group matches against Bowland College (3-0), Pendle College (2-1) and County College (3-0). I partnered with Ken for men double and we won comfortably against Bowland (15:1, 15:5) and Pendle (15:4, 15:9). There were two university players playing for County and we won in a rubber set (15:4, 8:15, 15:9). In the semi final we won easily against Fylde college (2-0) and Ken and I also won easily (15:8, 15:4).

At that time I already played 9 sets throughout the morning. Last year winner, Lonsdale College only need to play twice in their group matches and now we are facing them again in the final (we were a runners-up last year). They have the strongest men double and university ladies captain also playing for them. First set Ken and I won easily at 15:5 but we were quickly overwhelmed in the second set when we lost 2:15. At that time they are changing their tactic by keeping pressure on us through lots of smashing shots. I noticed that our ladies already finished their game but I didn't know their result. In the third set we were leading 14:8 when something strange is happening, we just couldn't finish the game. And they took the opportunity to gather point by point until they manage to draw level and then leading at 16:14! We try everything we could but eventually they managed to seal the game at 17:14. What a match, albeit a strange one.

Maulana (another postgrad from Indonesia) is supposed to play with us but he broke his leg last Friday. I messaged his mobile phone after the game informing the results. He messaged back "..kalau begitu kita sikat mereka taun depan! sampai mampusss!!!" sounds funny, turned out that what he meant is to 'knock them out'. Otherwise might as well bring a hair stylist with us so that we can comb their hair to their death!